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BY 



HELEN BAGG 




THE PENxN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
PHILADELPHIA 



Successful Rural Plays 

A Strong List From Which to Select Your 
Next Play 

FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubes. For five male and six female characters. Time 
of playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two 
easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a 
farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New 
Yorker. Philip's mother wants him to marry a society woman, 
and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. 
Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by 
intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry 
Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip 
learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple 
plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience 
alternately to tears and to laughter. Price, 25 cents. 

HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubbs. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two 
hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four 
acts. Costumes, modern. One of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs 
has written. Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter 
Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son 
of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. 
She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. 
V/hen Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave 
Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- 
covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then 
he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. Price 25 cents. 

THE OLD NEW^ HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New 

England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven 
males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, 
modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich 
in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of 
the "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- 
terior scenes, one interior, all easy to set. Full of strong sit- 
uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play 
everybody understands and likes. Price, 25 cents. 

THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy 
in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four 
females. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- 
terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money 
from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's 
niece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the 
wiles of the villain and his female accomplice are both starting 
and novel. Price, 15 cents. 

A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in 
Five Acts, by Chaplf.s Townsend. For seven males and four 
females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 
One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a 
country lad. twice saves the life of a banker's daughter, which 
results in their betrothal. A scoundrelly clerk has the banker 
in his power, but the White Mountain boy finds a way to check- 
mate his schemes, saves the banker, and wins the girl. Price 
IS cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Let's All Get Marrie 



A Comedy in Two Acts 



By 

HELEN BAGG 

Author of ''fVhisken,'' ^^Why not Jim;* etc. 




PHILADELPHTA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1914 



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Copyright 1914 by The Penn Publishing Company 



Let's All Get Married , NOV "9 1914 

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Let's All Get Married 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Professor Maxwell Carrington . . with a reputa- 
tion for mathematics 
Ethel Carrington . his sister ^ who has a sweet secret 

Miss Laura Plum his devoted atmt 

Marjorie Miller . . . his dear^ though distafit, cousin 
GoLDiE McGrath . , . his very competent stenographer 

Everett Payne the family lawyer 

Rev. Benjamin Morris . . who has excellent intentions 
Dick Havens , ... an irresponsible undergraduate 
Jack Foster . a newspaper man who shares EtheV s secret 
Biggs a very satisfactory butler 

Place : — A small modern college town. 
Time : — An hour and a half. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

Young Professor Carrington, who must marry at once or 
lose a fortune, has quarreled with his fiancee, Marjorie. 
Jack Foster, secretly engaged to Ethel, the Professor's sister, 
proposes that the Professor should marry his stenographer, 
Goldie. The new engagement has just been announced 
when Marjorie returns. Her pride wounded, she announces 
that she also is married. Jack Foster, falsely accused of 
being a burglar, saves himself by stating that he is Marjorie's 
husband. When everybody and everything are in the 
worst possible tangle it is Jack again who saves the situation 
and everybody pairs off happily. 



COSTUMES 

Max. Thirty. Rather nervous and irritable. Eye-glasses. 
Act I, business suit. Act II, evening dress. 

Ethel. Twenty-three. Pretty. Act 1, wears fall hat and 
outdoor suit covered by long coat and furs, and carries 
college pennant at first entrance. Act II, evening 
dress. 

Miss Plum. Fifty. Act I, plain indoor dress. Act II, 
evening dress suitable for her age. 

Marjorie. Twenty- five. Pretty. Act I, fall traveling 
suit, hat, and coat. Carries a hand-bag. Act II, 
handsome evening dress, covered later with long 
motoring coat and bonnet. 

GoLDiE. Twenty. Pretty blonde, with golden hair. Her 
hair may be of another color if necessary, but in this 
case the name of the character would better be changed. 
Act I, wears simple fall suit and hat. Act II, simple 
evening dress, coat and hat. 

Payne. Sixty. A rather fussy old gentleman with eye- 
glasses. Act I, dark suit. Act II, evening dress. 

Morris. Twenty-eight. A mild-mannered young clergy- 
man. Wears outdoor garb of an Episcopal clergyman 
in both acts. 

Dick. Twenty. A typical young college student with a 
pronounced taste in ties and socks. Wears fall suit in 
both acts, or may appear in evening dress in Act II. 
Overcoat and hat in Act II. 

Jack. Twenty-eight. Act I, wears business suit with 
overcoat and hat at first entrance. Act II, evening 
dress. 

Biggs. Fifty. Typical English butler with side whiskers, 
very correct in the details of his dress. Black suit, 
white gloves. 



PROPERTIES 

Biggs. Silver candlestick ; thirteen cards suitable for 
dinner ** place cards " ; table silver in basket ; tea tray 
with tea service and cups for six, tea, sugar, lemon, 
etc.; a glass of water. 

Miss Plum. Flowers, newspaper, sewing, handkerchief. 

GoLDiE. Typewriter and paper for it; note-book and 
pencil ; several sealed envelopes, stamped and ad- 
dressed. 

Max. Papers, magazine. 

Ethel. Picture of Marjorie in frame; handkerchief. 

Payne. Note-book and pencil. 

Dick. Gravy ladle, or other piece of silver suitable for a 
wedding present, wrapped up in a box. 



SCENE PLOT 



Exterior BacKir>g 




Scene. — Living-room of Professor Carrington. 



Let's All Get Married 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Llvi?ig-room of Professor Carrington. Door 
up C. may he glass y and in any case is supposed to lead 
to garden. Doors R. and L., also. Bookcase tip L. ; 
on it a photography framed. Table down R., covered 
with books and papers. On it, also, is a vase for 
flowers and a package of paper to look like a type- 
written manuscript. Armchair down R. of table , and 
another chair on up side of table. L. C, small stand 
holding typewriter y with chair behind it. Down L., 
couch or sofa. Other simple furnishings as desired. 
A *^ tea wagon'' or a small low table may be brought 
/«, if desired, when tea is served in Act I. 

(^Enter Biggs, l., carrying a silver candlestick which he is 
polishing.^ 

Biggs. Was it your h'dee, Miss, to use these 'ere on the 

dinner table this hevenin' ? 
Miss Laura Plum {turnins^'). Yes, Bigps. I always use 

them on my nephew's birthday. They belonged to 

Great-grandmother Curtis. 
Biggs (^polite, though unimpressed^. Hindeed, Miss ! Hit's 

a queer day for a birthday, Miss — Friday the 13th. 
Miss P. Awful, but what is one to do? 

(She comes down; picks up a darning basket ; sits and 
darns, R.) 

BiGGS {rubbing candlestick^. Thirteen covers. Hi believe 

you said, Miss ? 
Miss P. Thirteen? No, indeed, Big,s:s, fourteen. We've 

had the same fourteen for the last five birthdays. 
Biggs {taking cards from his pocket, he puts candlestick 

on chair, c.). Miss Ethel wrote the cards, Miss, and 

there was thirteen. {Crosses and hands them to her.) 

7 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Miss P. Impossible ! (^Counts them and stops in horror.') 

Thirteen ! Good gracious me ! 
Biggs. Hit's generally considered hunlucky, Miss, to sit 

down with thirteen. 
Miss P. Sit down with thirteen ? I wouldn't think of such 

a thing. (Looks at cards again.) Oh, I see, 1 counted 

in Marjorie ! 
Biggs. Marjorie ? 
Miss P. Miss Miller. A distant relative who has always 

lived with us till this year. 
Biggs. Hoh. 

(^Crosses back to chair ; takes up candlestick ; polishes.) 

Miss P. There isn't a single soul that I can ask without 
hurting some one's else feelings. I might get that 
Freshman who's always following Ethel around. 

Biggs. Hi should prefer to run the chances on the bad 
luck, ma'am. 

(^Enter GoLDiE McGrath, c. She takes off her hat and 
hangs it at R. c. on chair. Sits at the machine.) 

GoLDiE {breezily^. Good-afternoon. Guess I'm late. My 
little brother's got the measles. 

(Biggs moves atvay frotn her disgustedly.) 

Miss P. Dear me, Goldie, I hope 

GoLDiE. Oh, he's all right; measles ain't anything. Yes- 
terday we was afraid it was smallpox. 

(Biggs moves farther still.) 

Miss P. Do you think it's all right to come to the house? 
Goldie. Mercy, yes. Measles aren't catching when you've 

walked a mile. 
Miss P. I don't believe it is safe, Goldie, for you to walk 

all that distance alone. 
Goldie. Sometimes I have company. 

(Biggs snickers discreetly.) 

Miss P. Oh, Havens ! {A pause.) Oh, yes, I see I 
Goldie. And right glad I am to have company these days, 

with this burglar around. 
Miss P. Burglar ? 

8 



LETS ALL GET 3IABBIED 



Biggs. Yes, Miss, there's a burglar in this town, all right. 
Just skipped the pen. Been doing time. 

Miss P. Who did you say this person is ? 

Biggs (importantly). Slick Joe, the " Parson," Miss. 

GoLDiE. They call him tiiat because he's such a smooth 
guy. It's all in this morning's paper. 

(Points to paper on table.) 

Biggs. 'E used to himpersonate the clergy, Miss, and sell 

'ymn books. 
GoLDiE (taking off hat, etc.). That was when he was a 

con man ! He 

Miss P. (picking tip paper, and reading). Good Heavens! 

is he at large now ? 
GoLDiE. Is he? Well, I guess the Thompsons think so. 

He made a clean get-away with all the silver they had. 

Quite a haul, they say. Funny, I had them sized up 

as the kind that don't have anything but a buzz wagon. 
Miss P. Great-grandmother Curtis' s silver ! Biggs, you 

must see that everything is locked up to-night after the 

dinner. 
Biggs. Yes, Miss. 

(Puts candlestick on bookcase. Exit, R.) 

GoLDiE. He better had. A swell dinner party is just the 
place for a burglar to make a good haul. Professor 
back from class yet ? 

Miss P. No, he's late to-day. 

GoLDiE. Now, ain't that lucky? I can run off these last 
pages before he comes. 

(She puts paper into the machifie and begins writing.) 

Miss P. Is it the new novel you're working on ? 

GoLDiE. Yes. He's thinking of caUing it ** Thy Brother's 

Wife." 
Miss P. I hope it will have a good sale. 
GoLDiE. Anything would sell with that name. 
Miss P. It doesn't suggest the psychological value of the 

work. 
GoLDiE. Why should it? Want to queer the thing at the 

very start ? 
Miss P. But of course there's no question of its being well 

9 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



received ; his first book was such a success. Only one 
unfavorable review, and that was from a man on a 
Boston paper. 

GoLDiE. Well, I never should care what a guy from Boston 
said about me ! 

Miss P. His name was Foster — Jack Foster. He criti- 
cized the grammar — the grammar 1 

GoLDiE. Well, he had a nerve ! 

Miss P. If he'd criticized it from an ethical or a psycho- 
logical point of view one wouldn't have minded ] but 
to be told that one had used "should" where one 
should have used " would " — or was it *' would " where 

one would have used Oh, well, you know what 

1 mean. 

(^Enter Biggs, r.) 

Biggs. Mr. Payne, Miss, to see the Professor. 

Miss P. Show him in *here. Biggs. The Professor hasn't 

returned from class yet. 
Biggs. Very well, Miss. 

{Exit, R. ) 

GoLDiE. Mr. Payne's a lawyer, ain't he? 

Miss P. Yes. He's probably come a little early to con- 
sult with the Professor in regard to that dreadful busi- 
ness of old Mr. Carrington's will. This is the last day, 
you know, before it is settled up. It makes me so 
blue even to think about it. 

(GoLDiE shakes her head sympathetically but goes on with 
her work.) 

(^Enter Biggs, r., followed by Everett Payne, evidently 
quite disturbed by sotnething. ) 

Biggs. Mr. Payne. 

(^Exit Biggs, r. Miss P. rises.^ 

Payne (shaking hands). Good-afternoon, Miss Plum. I 
haven't come to dinner, let me reassure you. Just 
dropped in to have a little chat with Max. 

Miss P. He'll be back directly. Do sit down. (JShe sits.) 

Payne (crossing to c). Good -afternoon, Miss McGrath. 
Working on the new novel ? 

Goldie (still thumping the machine). Yep. We're mak- 

ID 



LET'S ALL GET MARRIED 



ing the early bird and the busy bee look like thirty 
cents these days. 

(Payne sits^ bringing chair to table. Goldie contitiues to 
work.') 

Miss P. {taking up her sewing). Yes. I wish Max wouldn't 
work so hard. 

Payne. My dear friend, does it ever occur to you that 
Max is trying to drown his sorrows in — well — in mathe- 
matics and works of art ? 

Miss P. Sorrows? Oh, you mean Marjorie? 

Payne. I do mean Marjorie. (Goldie's ears are busy lis- 
tenings though she continues to work.) In fact, I don't 
regard this birthday of Max's as an occasion of re- 
joicing at all. I 

Miss P. {reaching for her handkerchiefs but gettifig a sock 
instead, and wiping her eyes). 1 know it, but I must 
try to take his mind off his troubles in some way, I'm 
sure it's hard enough on all the family to have Max lose 
an inheritance of two hundred thousand dollars — just 
because Marjorie Miller has a nasty temper 1 

Payne. I don't blame Marjorie. 

Miss P. I'm sure you can't blame Max. 

Payne. I don't blame either of the young people; I blame 
old Mr. Carrington for making such an absurd will, 
knowing both his nephew and his ward as he did. 

Miss P. That's just why he did it. He knew what unre- 
liable tempers 

Payne. What sky-rocket tempers — I beg pardon ! 

Miss P. {stiffly). What peculiar tempers they both have. 
You see, Marjorie and Max were engaged, and old Mr. 
Carrington was so afraid that it wouldn't last, that he 
made that will providing that unless they were married 
by his thirtieth birthday, and her twenty-fifth 

Payne. Odd that their birthdays should come on the same 
day ! 

Miss P. They would forfeit each an inheritance of two 
hundred thousand. 

Payne. An insane will ! I told him so when I drew it up, 
but he wouldn't listen. 

Miss P. No Carrington ever listened to common sense until 
it was too late. Of course the grass wasn't green on 
the poor man's grave before they'd quarreled. 
II 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Payne. I've always wondered what. the quarrel was about. 
Miss P. Haven't the least idea. I know that Max wrote 

her in June 

GoLDiE. July. 

Miss P. {startled). What ? 

Payne. Bkss me ! 

GoLDiE. He let it out one day when he had a grouch. Of 

course I wouldn't think of mentioning it outside the 

family. 
Miss P. I should hope not. 
GoLDiE (gathering up her papers a7id rising'). Guess PU 

run down to the post-office and get the mail. 

{Exit, c.) 

Payne. What an extraordinary young person ! 

Miss P. Very ! 

Payne. But rather attractive. 

Miss P. If you care for the type. 

Payne (Jiastily). Oh, of course not — but, about Marjorie? 

Miss P. Well, they quarreled, and Marjorie went al)road. 

As Goldie says, Max wrote to her and begged her to 

come back. 
Payne. What did she say ? 

Miss P. Two words by cable. *' Nothing doing." 
Payne. And so the money goes to the Old Ladies' Home. 
Miss P. (tearfully). Vm sure I hope they'll enjoy it. 

That miserable girl has blighted Max's life. 
Payne. I suppose there's no use talking to him about it? 

He's done the best he could. 
Miss P. My dear man, I beg of you not to talk of it. 

There are two subjects that are taboo in this house — 

Marjorie Miller and Jack Foster. 
Payne (rising). Perhaps you're right. The artistic tem- 
perament is 

Miss P. (rising). As you were just saying — peculiar. 
Payne (returni?ig to chair). Too confoundedly peculiar. 

Well, ril run along. See you at dinner. 
Miss P. Come back for tea and you'll find Max. 
Payne (in surprise). Tea ? 
Miss P. We've been having it since Biggs came. He says 

his system feels the need of it. {As he starts to go, r.) 

ril ring for him. 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Payne. Don*t trouble. I'll take the short cut through the 
garden. 

Miss P. Well, if you don't mind. Biggs does hate being 
disturbed when he has his mind on anything. (Payne 
steps out at c. She rises, puts away her sewing.) I 
believe that that's a good idea of mine— telephoning 
the doctor. I'll 

{Enter Professor Maxwell Carrington, r. He car- 
ries a bunch of papers which he throws down on the 
table.') 

Max. Hasn't that girl come yet ? 

{Throws his hat at a chair ^ R.) 

Miss P. Yes, but she went out again to get the mail. Did 
you see Mr. Payne ? 

{She goes up, picks up hat, and hangs it carefully on chair.) 

Max. {crossing to machine, L., and taking up Goldie's 

manuscript). Payne ? 
Miss P. He just this moment left. 
Max. What did he want ? 
Miss P. He wanted to see you. 
Max. Wanted to dig up that old stuff about the will, I 

suppose ? ( Crosses R. ) 

Miss P. Well, you know, my dear, to-day 

Max. {irritably). My dear Aunt Laura, there's nothing 

for us to do about that money but to look cheerful and 

hand it over to the Old Ladies. {Sits r. ) 
Miss P. {comitig down). You don't look particularly 

cheerful. 
Max. I am. I'm tickled to death. I was always fond of 

old ladies. Where's Ethel ? 
Miss P. Gone to the football game with that Havens 

fellow. 
Max. Isn't he rather rushing Ethel ? 
yiYS^'S^Y. {sarcastically). Rushing? Oh, no. He's simply 

living here, morning, noon and night. I'm thinking 

seriously of telling Biggs to put a plate on for him for 

breakfast. 
Max. {absently). Humph. 

13 



LETS ALL GET 3TABEIED 



Miss P. It's very trying having two pretty girls in the 

house at once. 
Max. Two ? 

Miss P. Yes. I'm not at all sure that Goldie isn't the at- 
traction. At his age, they're apt to be partial to 

blondes. And he's been walking home with her every 

now and then. 
Max. Nonsense. 
Miss P. Well, it would be a very good thing for her — with 

all his father's money. 
Max. It would be a very bad thing for me — having to break 

in a new stenographer. 
Miss P. As for Elhel — has it ever occurred to you, Max, 

that Ethel has something on her mind ? I mean, since 

she came home from Boston ? 
Max. No. Ethel hasn't any mind. 
Miss P. You mark my words, there's a man in Boston. 
Max. Several, I dare say. It's a large town. 
Miss P. {angrily'). Have you no feelings at all outside of 

mathematics and fiction? {She goes up c.) 
Max. {jinnpiiig up). Great Scott, that girl's mixed up the 

examination papers for next week with my last chapter ! 

Talk about minds ! {Goes to machine.) 

{Enter Goldie, r., with mail.) 

Miss P. I told you so ! It's Dick Havens ! 

Goldie. Here's the mail. {She hands ///^Max., who 

throws it on the floor.) Goodness, what's the matter, 

Professor ? 
Max. {taking her by the shoulder and waving the papers 

wildly before her). Now, look here, you'll remember 

that I told you last week when you put the laundry list 

in with the chapter on Bella's divorce, that if you did it 

again 

Goldie. But 

Max. And here you've mixed up the exams for next week's 

mathematics with 



Goldie. I'm sorry — I 

Max. What's the matter with you? Can't you read? 

What the 

Miss P. {wamingly). Max ! 

Goldie {bursting into tears). My little brother's got the 

measles, and I'm just that upset 

14 



LETS ALL GET 3TARRIED 



Max. (Jnrjiing azvay and crossing). Last week it was be- 
cause your mother was changing cooks. 

GOLDIE {smiffling). 1 — I 

Miss P. If her mother was changing cooks she had every 
excuse. 

(^Exit Miss P., l. Goldie continues to sob.) 

GoLDiE. I'm sorry. If — if I don't give satisfaction maybe 
— maybe you'd better get somebody else. But I — 
I 

{Sobs wildly. Max. slams paper down on table.) 

Max. (^crossing to her, pats her shoulder). Now, don't 

cry — please don't cry 

Goldie. I can't help it. 

(^Enter Ethel Carrington, r. She has just come from 
the football game and is very much excited. Noise of 
feet outside.) 

Ethel. We beat 'em. Score 12 to o. I've had such a 
good time. Come on in, Dick ! (Sees Goldie and 
Max.) Why, what's tlie matter ? 

{Enter Dick Havens, r.) 

Max. Nothing. Are you people coming in here? 

Ethel. Why, yes. Do you mind ? 

Max. (angrily). Oh, certainly not. I can work in the 

dining-room or the pantry or the coal bin ! It doesn't 

matter about me ! Come on ! 

{Exit, L., with a gesture to Goldie, who dries her eyes, 
picks up her 710 1 e-book and pencil and starts to follow^ 
glancing coquettishly at Dick.) 

Dick. I say, what is the matter ? 

Goldie. Something's put the artistic temperament on the 
blink again. 

{Exity l., after Max.) 

Ethel. He's been thinking about Marjorie. Poor brother ! 

15 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



{She crosses to davenport and begins taking off her wraps » 
He follows her J but with an eye on the vanishing 

GOLDIE.) 

Dick. I say, why does Miss — Miss What's her name 

Ethel. McGrath ? 

Dick. Why does she always run away when I come 

around ? 
Ethel. Does she? I hadn't noticed. 
Dick. Yes, she does. What's the matter with her ? 
Ethel {teasingly). Perhaps she doesn't like you. 
Dick. Huh? 
Ethel. People take tliese queer dislikes sometimes, don't 

you know ? Do you think she's pretty ? 
Dick. You bet. Don't you? 
Ethel. Oh, well enough. If you want to see a pretty 

girl, you ought to see my Cousin Marjorie. 
Dick. No, I oughtn't. Two pretty girls are all I can stand 

seeing at once without getting cross-eyed. 
Ethel. And to think that 1 thought, Dick Havens, that 

you were rushing me ! 

Dick. I was — I mean — 1 

Ethel. You were not. You've been coming here all this 

time just to look at brother's stenographer. Don't 

deny it. 

Dick. But I 

Ethel {laughifig). You needn't look so scared. I don't 

mind. Listen ; I'm engaged to somebody else. 
Dick. You ? Who is he ? 
Ethel. Hush, nobody knows anything about it. 
Dick. Is it that sky pilot that the Professor's so gone on ? 
Ethel. Ben Morris? No, indeed. It's a man I met in 

Boston. 
Dick. Oh, I say. 
Ethel. But we can't get married for ever and ever so 

long. 
Dick. What's the matter ? Hasn't the man a job ? 
Ethel. Of course he's got a job ! But he's a man that 

brother hates like — like poison. His name's Jack Fos- 
ter, and 

Dick. Oh, I see ! The chap that roasted his book ? 
Ethel. Yes. You see how hopeless the whole thing is. 
Dick. Why don't you cut and run ? 

i6 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Ethel. Elope? Never. Why, I haven't even let Jack 
know that we're engaged. He thinks that I've refused 
him. 

Dick. He must be rather a mutt. 

Ethel. He is not a mutt. He's a very clever man. {She 
hands him her wraps.') Now you see how I can sym- 
pathize with you about Goldie. 

Dick. Thanks, awfully. (^Crosses r. with the wraps.) 

Ethel. Why don't you stick around and walk home with 
her ? She usually goes in about an hour. 

Dick, You're a brick. 1 will. 

{He puts her things down on the table, pushing manuscript 
to the floor.) 

Ethel (jumping up). Look out ! That's brother's novel ! 
(Dick stoops and picks it up.) I'll be so glad when it's 
finished. He's so cranky when he's getting near the 
end of one. 

Dick {glancing at a page). Oh, I say, listen to this I 
{Reads.) ** Her face was suifused with blushes, her 
voice trembled with emotion. 'Cyril,' she said bravely, 
* Cyril, if the hypothenuse of a right angled tri- 
angle ' " {He stops.) Great day in the morn- 
ing, what's this? 

Ethel. Sounds familiar, somehow. 

Dick {solemnly). Familiar? The stenog has mixed up 
the mathematics exam with the Professor's latest ! I 
knew that girl was going to bring me good luck some- 
how. 

Ethel. Give me that tliis minute. 

Dick. Never. Going to call a class meeting and pass it 
around. Who am I to crab the whole snap ! 

Ethel. No, you shan't. 

{Tries to get the papers from DiCK, who dodges her.) 

Dick. Nonsense. He'll enjoy it. Think of the honor of 
having the whole class pass A i. 

{Enter BiGGS, R. While he takes Ethel's attention DiCK 
ducks through the door, c. Ethel crosses down L.) 

Biggs. A young gentleman to see you. Miss. 'E didn't 
give no nyme. 

17 



LET'S ALL GET 3IARBIED 



Ethel. How queer. Well, show him in. {^Exit Biggs, r. 
Ethel goes to window and calls.') Dick I You 
wretch ! Come back here ! 

(^E?Uer Jack Foster, r.) 

Jack. Won't I do? 

Ethel {turning, sees Jack; rufis to him, holding out both 

her hands). Jack ! Jack Foster ! Who'd have thought 

of its being you ? 
Jack {taking her hands). Why, you didn't think I took 

that ** no " of yours seriously, did you ? 
Ethel. You'd better take it seriously, young man, in this 

house. 
Jack. Then let's go out in the garden. 
Ethel {stopping him). Now, look here, Jack ; I told you 

not to come here. Brother' d like nothing better than 

to have you put out bodily. 
Jack. I'm not afraid of your brother. 
Ethel, Well, I am; in the frame of mind that he's in 

to-day. 
Jack. What's the matter with him ? 
Ethel. To-day is his thirtieth birthday. 
Jack. What of it ? I'm twenty-seven myself, but I expect 

to worry along for a few years more. 
Ethel. You're not losing a fortune because the girl you 

were engaged to jilted you. 
Jack. I'd forgotten about that. Hasn't she changed her 

mind yet? 
Ethel {crossing r. to him). No. And, Jack, you must 

go. Brotiier's writing in the coal bin or somewhere, 

and he's likely to come in any minute. 
Jack. Does he usually write in the coal bin? No wonder 

his grammar's shaky. 
Ethel. Jack, please. If brother found out that Td almost 

become engaged to the man who wrote that awful 

article, he'd go mad. 
Jack. It wasn't my fault. If I'd known that he was a 

relative of yours, he could have torn the English lan- 
guage limb from limb for all of me. [Goes up l.) 
Ethel {crossing to c). That doesn't help matters now. 
Jack. I say, Ethel, would you marry me if it weren't for 

your brother ? 
Ethel. Of course. Any girl would. 

i8 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Jack. Then your brother's going to get the worst case of 
love at first sight over me that ever came up the pike. 

{Comes down L.) 

Ethel. What are you going to do ? 

Jack {sitting on coucli). I'm going to stay to dinner, for 
one thing. 

Ethel. Jack ! 

Jack {starting to rise). Don't you like having me 'round ? 
Of course, 1 can take the next train back to Boston if 
you say so. 

Ethel {crossing to kifn). No. 

Jack {sitting again), 'fhen I'll stay to dinner. Now, what 
kind of a young man does your brother prefer ? 

Ethel. What ? 

Jack. Is he partial to clergymen, or actors, or traveling 
salesmen, or what ? 

Ethel. What do you mean ? 

Jack. Now, look here, Ethel, all your brother knows about 
me is that I wrote an article that knocked his book. 

Ethel. That was enough. 

Jack. Don't you suppose that if he were to meet me with- 
out knowing who I am, that he'd think me a rather de- 
cent sort of ciiap ? 

Ethel {doubtfully). Well, he might, but 

Jack. Well, introduce me as some one else, and give me a 
chance to fascinate him. Time is ail i need. 

Ethel. He'd see through us. 

Jack. He won't see through me. 

Ethel. And auntie's awfully sharp about finding things 
out. 

Jack. Well, auntie'll have to get up early in the morning 
if she finds me out. {Pause.) Better make up your 
mind before brother comes out of the coal bin. 

Ethel [sitting on couch). I have it ! Let's pretend that 
you're a clergyman — brother's best friend's a clergy- 
man — the Rev. Benjamin Morris, a Harvard man. I'll 
tell you a secret, Jack. 

Jack. Well ? 

Ethel. Brother's set his heart on the Rev. Benjamin and 
me making a match of it. 

Jack. The dickens he has ! 

Ethel. Let's introduce you as — let's see — the Rev. 



LET'S ALL GET 3IAERIED 



Jack. Simpson. It's easy to remember, and sounds 

orthodox. 
Ethel. The Rev. Arthur Simpson. 
Jack. Make it << Percy " if you Uke. I don't care. 
Ethel. Jack, do you really think you can bluff brother? 
Jack. I could bluff a locomotive off a track if it meant 

being engaged to you. (^Staris to embrace her.) 
Ethel {rising). No, you're not engaged to me — yet. 

Where are you stopping ? The hotel ? 
Jack {rising). That's what they call it. 
Ethel. You must get your things and come here right 

away. 
Jack. Isn't that rather crowding brother ? 
Ethel. I don't care. I won't marry a man with a crip- 
pled digestion. You must get away from that hotel at 

once. 
Jack. All right. You're the boss. 
Ethel. And Jack, be very careful when you meet brother. 

This is a wild proposition. 
Jack. Well, from all I hear, so is brother. Don't you 

worry about me. {Starts out r.) 
Ethel. Not that way, you'll meet somebody. Go out by 

the garden gate. 

Jack. Don't forget, the Rev. Percy 

Ethel. Arthur ! 

Jack. Blame it, I meant Arthur. But how about your 

aunt ? 
Ethel. I'll go and tell her now. Hurry. 

(She runs off, r. Jfe stops a moment to pick up his hat.) 

Jack. Me for the garden gate. 

{Exit, c. Just as Biggs enters, r. Biggs stares at him as 
he disappears. ) 

Biggs. Well, Hi never ! What an hextraordinary young 
man ! Hi don't like the looks of it just at this time. 
'E may be a book hagent and 'e may be somethink 
worse. Hi'U keep an heye on him. 

(Exit, c, after Jack.) 
(Enter Ethel, r., and Miss P., L.) 
Ethel. Oh, auntie, where have you been? 

20 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Miss P. Telephoning the doctor, and he can't come ! 

Ethel (/;/ alanii). The doctor? 

Miss P. {siiti?ig l.). Yes, to dinner. He says he's been 

performnig an operation for appendicitis, and he's too 

tired. Isn't that just like a man? Every little thing 

plays them out. 
Ethel {crossing to her). But, auntie, why did you want 

him to come to dinner? 
Miss P. Do you want something terrible to happen to one 

of us? 
Ethel. But why should it ? What's the matter with the 

dinner ? 
Miss P. Matter ? We're thirteen — that's what's the matter. 
Ethel. Oh. 
Miss P. I won't do it. I've never done it, and Pm too 

old to begin. I'll have appendicitis myself first. 

{Takes out her handkerchief as though about to cry.) 

Ethel. You needn't, dear. Pll fix it for you. 

Miss P. You shan't invite that Freshman ! 

Ethel. Nonsense. Pll get you a splendid guest — there — 

there 

Miss P. Where are you going to get him ? I've thought 

of everybody in town. 
Ethel. This is somebody from out of town. A friend of 

mine from Boston. 
Miss P. (Jriuinphantly). I knew there was a man in 

Boston ! 
Ethel. Why, Aunt Laura ! 
Miss P. I told Max 

{Enter Max. excitedly , l.) 

Max. (coming down c). Is there no place in this house 
where a man can think in peace ? 

Ethel {rising). Max, dear 

Max. {turning on her). The library is given up to Fresh- 
men, I go into the dining-room, and that fool Biggs is 
cleaning the silver; into the kitchen and they're grind- 
ing ice cream ; into the coal bin and the man comes to 
take the gas meter! I might as well live in a boiler 
factory. 

Miss P. Max, dear, why don't you go up-stairs? 

21 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Max. They're housecleaning up-stairs. Do you think a 

brain can do its work with a vacuum cleaner hounding 

it from room to room ? ( Goes k.) 

Miss P. But, dear boy, our guests 

Max. Confound our guests ! I wish they were all dead 

and buried. 
Miss P. {solemnly). They probably will be within a year. 
Ethel. Now, auntie, don't worry poor Max about that 

thirteen business. I tell you I've invited another man 

for you. 
Miss P. Already ? 
Ethel. Yes, he's at the hotel now, but he'll be up directly. 

{To Max.) Auntie's just discovered that we are thirteen 

to-night, but it's all right. Pve invited a friend of mine 

from Boston. 
Max. {instantly). Boston? 

Ethel {quickly). A young man named Simpson. 
Miss P. {(iisdaififully). Simpson ? 
Ethel. He's a splendid fellow. I met him when I was 

down there last summer. He — he seems to think he 

likes me. 
Miss P. {triumphantly). You will remember, Max, that I 

told you 

Max. Nonsense. Girls will have seashore flirtations. 

Ethel's too much interested in Ben Morris to get fool- 
ish over any one else. 
Miss P. She doesn't strike me as being interested in him to 

any alarming extent. 
Ethel. Oh, yes, I am I Pm awfully interested in him. 

But this young man — oh, well, you'll be crazy about 

him when you know him. He's so — so fascinating. 
Miss P. I distrust fascinating men. They don't wear well. 
Ethel. Rubbish ! Anybody'd think you were talking 

about a parlor carpet. 
Max. {sitting r.). He'll probably take the curse off the 

dinner, Aunt Laura. Better let him come. 

{Picks up magazine.) 

Ethel. He came up to call this afternoon, and was so dis- 
appointed to find you out that I simply had to ask him 
to dinner. 

Miss P. Of course, if you've asked him 

22 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Ethel. Had to — common politeness. He's got such a 
crush on brother I 

Max. Humph ! 

Ethel. Thinks your books the greatest ever, and he's 
crazy to know you. 

Max. Well, under the circumstances, Aunt Laura, I don't 
quite see bow Elliel could get out of asking him with- 
out being positively rude. 

Ethel. Of course not. You see, Arthur 

Both. Arthur ? 

Ethel. I mean Simpson — Mr. Simpson — of course; I 
don't call him Arthur to his face ! 

Miss P. I should hope not ! 

Max. I wish I hadn't brought you up in a college town, 
Ethel. You've an informality of manner that's posi- 
tively appalling at times. 

Miss P. It's not the college; it's the association with 
that typewriter person. If you could only copy Mar- 
jorie 

Ethel. I don't want to be like Marjorie. You wouldn't 
catch me jilting a nice young man and two hundred 
thousand. 

Max. {throwing down his magaziiie). Great Jupiter Am- 
nion ! 

Enter Biggs, r. 

Biggs, The Rev. Harthur Simpson. 

Max. Reverend ? 

Ethel {giggling). I forgot to tell you he is a preacher. 
( Enter Jack, breezily. Biggs, eyeing him with suspi- 
cion, stands in the doorway. He gives a slight cough, 
which attracts Miss P.'s attention ; she catches his 
meaning glance.') Good -afternoon, Mr. Simpson. {To 
Biggs.) Bring tea. Biggs. 

Biggs {without going). Yes, Miss. 

Jack. Miss Carrington. 

Ethel. My aunt. Miss Plum. 

Miss P. {incoherently). So glad to meet you, Mr. Simpkins. 

Ethel {severely). Simpson. 

Miss P. Simpson, of course. My nephew, Professor Car- 
rington, Mr. Simpson. 

Max. Glad to know you. 

Biggs. Hist I 

23 



LET'S ALL GET 3IARBIED 



(Miss P. Jumps, turns , pantomime between the two ; she 
catches his idea.) 

Jack. I've wanted to know you, Professor, for some time. 

I 

Biggs. Ahem ! 

Max. What's the matter with you, Biggs ? 

Biggs {injured). Nothing, sir. 

Max. Well, get the tea, then. 

Biggs. Yes, sir. 

(Exit, R.) 

Miss P. (in answer to a last look from Biggs). I think 
I'd better go and help him. He has so much to do 
to-day and his feelings are so sensitive. 

(Exit, R., grabbifig the candlestick as she goes.) 

Max. Well, so are mine, and that infernal Englishman's 
always ruffling them. Might as well have a statue of 
the Duke of Wellington in the house for all the work 
he does. 

Ethel (crossing L., sits). Now, Max, he serves tea beau- 
tifully, and when he's not too busy he answers the 
door-bell so nicely. 

Max. Have a seat, Simpson. 

Jack. Thank you. (He sits r. c. Max. sits r.) 

Max. You must pardon our being a bit upset, but doubtless 
my sister told you 

Ethel. Oh, yes, I told him all about your birthday and 
Marjorie and everything. 

Max. The deuce 

Jack. You see, at the seashore you've got to talk about 
something, don't you know? After the first week or 
so you rather wear out the moon and the wild waves and 
each other, so there's nothing left but your relatives. 

Max. I see. 

Ethel. And we talked a good deal about you, Max, be- 
cause Percy — I mean — Arthur's such an ardent admirer 
of yours. 

Jack. I say. Professor, you've no idea what a stir that 
novel of yours made down in Boston. 

Max. (thaiving a bit). Really ? Might I ask what church 
you are connected with, Mr. Simpson ? 

Jack. Why, I— I 

24 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Ethel. Oh, he isn't located just now. He's expecting a 
call from out West. 

Jack. Yes, that's it ! Large congregation in Kansas City- 
just making up its mind. But about your book. Pro- 
fessor; as I was saying, the highbrows in Boston went 
mad over it, and at Harvard 

Max. Ah, you're a Harvard man ? 

Jack. Class of 19 — . 

Max. Then you must know our old friend Morris — Ben 
Morris ? He's a divinity man — 19 — . 

Jack. Ben Morris ? I should say I did. We were room- 
mates in our senior year. 

Max. Splendid chap, isn't he? 

Jack. Salt of the earth. {A little anxiously,) Where is 
he now ? 

Max. Big church in New York City. 

Jack (relieved). You don't say ? Well, I'm glad to hear 
that. 

Max, We think the world of Ben ; he's almost one of the 
family. 

Jack. Yes, so Miss Carrington said. 

Ethel {to Max.). Brother dear, do run up and ask Mary 
to get a room ready for Mr. Simpson. I've made him 
promise to give us the week end. 

Jack {risiftg). Why, really, 1 

Max. (rising). Nonsense, of course you'll stay. Any 
friend of Ben's 



Jack. Of course, if you insist 

Max. We do, by all means. Back in a jiffy. 

(^Exit, R.) 

Ethel (crossivq to Jack). Jack, you're doing beautifully. 

I never saw brother take such a fancy to a stranger. 
Jack. That was on Morris' account. Say, there's no 

danger of his turning up, is there ? 
Ethel. Of course not. Didn't I tell you he'd just gone 

to New York ? Now, if we can only bluff auntie 

Jack. You leave auntie to me. 

Ethel. I thought I heard the door-bell. That's Mr. Payne 

back again, I guess. 
Jack. You must coach me up a bit on the guests for the 

dinner. 

25 



LETS ALL GET 3IARBIED 



Ethel. Well, there's Max and auntie and you and me 

{Knock heard, R.) Why doesn't Biggs go ? 

(She goes to c. a?id looks out. ) 

Jack. Probably rustling the tea. 

Ethel {coitiing down and clutching hint). Jack 1 

Jack. What's the trouble ? 

Ethel. It's — it's Ben Morris ! 

Jack. What ? 

Ethel {crossing!..'). Oh, what shall I do ? 

Jack. But you said 

Ethel {back to c). Oh, what difference does it make 

what 1 said ? He's there on the steps in the flesh ! 
Jack. The deuce ! 
Ethel {knock heard), I've got to let him in, but I'll get 

rid of him. {Goes up c. ; lea7is out and beckons.) 
Jack {crossing r.). That'll be a nice, easy job. I reckon 

this is just about where brother and I clinch. 
Ethel {coming down l.). He's coming. Oh, why did we 

say that you were a Harvard man ? 
Jack. Just our infernal luck ! Might just as well have 

made it Yale. I'm not particular. 

{Enter Rev. Benjamin Morris, c.) 

Ethel {running to him). Oh, Ben, what a surprise ! 
Morris. Yes, isn't it ? I've been counting on it for days; 

wouldn't write any of you because I wanted to surprise 

you. 
Ethel. Well, you did. Let me introduce my friend, Mr. 

Foster. 

{She and Jack stare at one another in horror at her break.) 

Morris {beaming). Delighted. Glad to meet you ! You 
know, I hadn't an idea that I could get away. 

Jack. No, we didn't think you could get away. 

Morris. One of my parishioners, a rich old fellow, took it 
into his head that I was overworked and needed a va- 
cation, so I encouraged him in the idea and determined 
to run down for dear old Max's birthday dinner. 

Ethel. How ripping. 

Morris. Isn't it, though ? Won't he be surprised ? 

Jack. H'm. Won't he? 

26 



LETS ALL GET 3IABRIED 



Ethel. But why didn't you plan to drop in just in time 
for dinner, and give him a real sensation ? Dramatic 
entrance through the garden, just as the guests are 
about to go out to dinner ! 

Morris. By Jove, I never thought of that. 

Ethel. I thought of it the moment I saw you. That's 
why I brought you in this way, without anybody's see- 
ing you. 

Jack. Great idea ! 

Morris. What time is dinner ? 

Ethel. Nine o'clock. 

Morris. Nine? Isn't that pretty late ? 

Ethel. Yes ; it's an idea of brother's. Brother's so faddy 
nowadays. 

Morris. Dear old Max ! 

Jack. How are you going to put in the rest of the afternoon ? 

Morris. I might go and call on somebody. 

Ethel. Of course. Let's see ; why, there's Mary Jones. 

Morris. Mary Jones? 1 don't seem to recall her. 

Ethel. Oh, yes, Ben, that nice plain girl, with red hair, 
that you used to go and see. You surely haven't for- 
gotten Mary Jones ? 

Morris. Oh, yes, of course. 

Ethel. She lives right on this street, about three miles out. 
You can't miss it. A big frame house on the right 
hand side. 

Morris (rising). Oh ! 

Ethel. It'll be such a treat to Mary. She has your book 
of sermons, and she doesn't have many callers. 

Morris. Of course. I'm so glad you thought of her. 

Jack. Great headpiece for one so young. 

Ethel. Now run along, and we'll give brother the surprise 
of his life. 

Morris (going up c). Won't we, though? Dear old 
Max. Good-bye, Mr. 

Jack. Simpson. 

Morris (a hii puzzled). Simpson? 

Ethel (pushing Morris ou^ c). See you later, Ben. 

(Exi^ Morris, c.) 

Jack. Well ? 

Ethel. Dinner's at six-thirty, of course, and by nine you 
can have a headache and go to bed. 
27 



LETS ALL GET 3IABBIED 



Jack. You bet I can. 

Ethel. I'm going to follow him and see that he really goes 
to Mary Jones. 

{Exii, c.) 
{^Enter Max., r. Jack crosses l.) 

Max. You've quite saved the day for Aunt Laura. 

Jack {turning^. Eh? 

Max. {sitting r.). Yes. According to her, my cousin 
Marjorieand I did a very reckless thing in coming into 
the world on the thirteenth, and when she found that 
we were to be thirteen at dinner, she was in despair. 

Jack. I see. Your cousin's birthday comes on the same 
day as yours ? 

Max. Yes. She's not a cousin, really. She was my old 
uncle's ward ; related to us distantly, I believe. 

Jack. Ah. She's still abroad ? 

Max. She was the last time I heard from her. 

Jack. She must be an odd sort of girl. 

{Goes up L. and looks at picture,) 

Max. She's a very charming girl when she's in a good 
temper. 

Jack. Lots of *em are. Question is how to keep 'em in it. 

Max. Exactly. 

Jack {bringing down chair). Does she lose two hundred 
thousand, too, by not marrying you? 

Max. She does. 

Jack {sitting, down r.). Hold on, Professor, I'm not try- 
ing to butt into anybody's affairs, give you my word ; 
but it seems to me a rotten shame for a chap to lose a 
fortune like that through no fault of his. 

Max. {excitedly). That's the point, exactly. I don't care 
about Marjorie — no man who respects himself could 
care for a woman who's treated him as she's treated 
me 

Jack. Of course not. She's a flirt, a heartless flirt. 

Max. Just what I told her, and she said 

Jack. Yes ? 

Max. Well, never mind what she said, it's beside the 
point. The point is, why should I lose the money ? I 
was willing to comply with the terms of the will. 
28 



LET'S ALL GET MARRIED 



Jack. Well, why don't you comply with them? 

Max. I can't marry by twelve o'clock to-night a woman 
who's in Paris. 

Jack. Then marry some one else. 

Max, But the will 

Jack. I understand the will says unless you're married. 
It doesn't name the bride, does it? 

Max. No, but the old gentleman intended 

Jack. Never mind what the old gentleman intended ; it's 
what he said that goes. 

Max. I never thought of it that way. 

Jack. Of course not. That's what a chap's friends are 
for, to keep him from making a fool of himself. Now, 
I came down here to be your friend ; I'd like nothing 
better than to see that money in this family. 

Max. That's decent of you, but it can't be done. 

Jack. Why not? You say you've gotten over your crush 
on Miss Miller. 

Max. It was not a crush. 

Jack. Well, whatever you want to call it, you're through 
with it. Your heart is free. 

Max. You bet it is. 

Jack. That's the way to talk. Now 

Max. But I don't know any girls. 

Jack. Gosh. Living right in the midst of coeducation and 
he doesn't know any girls 1 

Max. Except, of course, the students, and around exam- 
ination time my relations with them are apt to be 
strained. Besides, if I've got to marry, I should prefer 
a woman of — well, of a riper intellect. 

(Enter Goldie, l. ; picks up her hat and puts it on. Jack 
stares at her.') 

Goldie. Guess I'll knock off now, Professor. My dancing 
club meets to-night at our house, and I'd like to get 
home early. 

Max. Certainly, Miss McGrath. 

(^Exit Goldie, c.) 

Jack {stage whisper). Who's she? 
Max. My stenographer. 
Jack. She's the very one. 
Max. What do you mean ? 

29 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Jack. She's got the ripened intellect — you can see it all 
over her, and she's a peach besides. 

Max. It's impossible, absolutely impossible. 

Jack. Why impossible? Here's a lovely young girl, wast- 
ing her youth and good looks trying to earn seven per 
to support the old folks at home. All she needs is a 
husband to take care of her. And here are you, peg- 
ging away at mathematics and writing novels, and all 
you need is a wife to bring you two hundred thousand. 
It's as simple as rolling off a log. 

Max. 1 tell you it's impossible. She murders the English 
language. 

Jack. What do you care? You don't have to hear her 
do it. 

]\Iax. Why don't I ? 

Jack. Now, look here, Professor, suppose you marry her 
to-night, while the guests are here 

Max. Preposterous! I couldn't ! I 

jack. I said ''suppose." 

Max. Well ? 

Jack. We'll get a justice of the peace and have the cere- 
mony right after dinner ; then we'll all take the bride 
down to the depot and start her off for Reno. Nice 
little family party. 

Max. Reno ? 

Jack. I said Reno. She stays there six months, gets a 
separation, and )^ou divide the money. 

Max. It's very queer sounding advice from a clergyman. 

Jack. Clergyman? Oh, yes, 1 Well, I've always 

been considered rather advanced. I can't help it. Let 
me call her before she gels away. (Starts up c.) 

Max. No, I tell you I won't. I 

Jack. Now, don't be obstinate ! Think of your aged 
aunt, your helpless sister ! Don't cheat them out of 
their inheritance. Let me get her before she gels 
away. 

Max. No, I tell you I 

Jack {at c). Miss McGrath ! {Beckons.^ She heard me. 
She's coming back on the run. She was talking to 
something that looked like a college student. 

Max. She'll be horrified. 

Jack. Nonsense. Whnt is there in a simple business propo- 
sition to horrify a sensible person ? 



LErS ALL GET MARRIED 



Max. I don't like it. 

Jack. Brace up, I'll tell her. You needn't say a word. 

{Crosses L.) 

{Enter G oldie, c.) 

GOLDIE. Did you call me, Professor ? 

Jack (l., importantly). No, I called you. 

GoLDlE {eyeing him coolly). Oh ! 

Max. Miss McGraih, this is the Reverend Mr. Simpson, 
a~a friend of mine. 

GoLDiE. Pleased to know you. 

Jack. The pleasure is mine. Won't you sit down a min- 
ute ? We — we 

(GoLDiE sits, R. c.) 

Max. [down r.). If she's in a hurry, we ought not to de- 
tain her. 

Jack. She's not in a hurry, and we have a very interesting 
proposition to make to her. Miss McGrath 

Max. Miss Goldie, if you don't mind, I'll go and finish 
some notes I'm making for — — 

Jack. No, you won't. You sit down, too. (Max. sits. 
Goldie looks from one to the other in a?nazement.) 
To begin with, the Professor wants to get married. 

Goldie. What ? 

Jack. Plold on; I didn't mean that. I mean he's got to 
get married before twelve o'clock to-night or lose two 
hundred thousand dollars. 

Goldie. Oh, I know that. I think it's real romantic. 

Max. It's infernally inconvenient. 

Jack {to Max.). Hold on ; let me do this. {To Goldie.) 
You see, he hates to give up his freedom. There's no 
place in his scheme of things for a wife. 

Goldie. Oh ! 

Max. {firmly). None whatever. 

Jack. But he needs the money. Now, if he could find a 
businesslike young lady who would be willing to marry 
him, with the understanding that she is at perfect lib- 
erty to apply for a separation immediately after the 
ceremony, he is ready and willing to divide the profits 
— I mean — the inheritance with her. Do you see? 

31 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Max. (rising). Of course she does, and she's indignant — 
she has a perfect right to be. Any woman would be 
furious. 

GoLDiE. I'd never be furious at you; I'm used to your 
doing loony things. Is he literary, too ? 

{Points to Jack.) 

Jack. This is no joke, it's a serious affair. Do you or do 

you not 

GoLDiE. Hold on a minute. {To Max.) What would 

your aunt say ? 
Max. {stepping toward her). What the dickens has my 

aunt to do with it ? 

GoLDiE. I'm afraid 1 can't. My club 

Jack {rising). I'll explain to the club; I'll invite 'em all 

to the wedding. The question is, will you or won't 

you allow us to make you a present of one hundred 

thousand dollars ? 
GoLDiE {hypnotized). One hundred thousand dollars 1 

{Throivs herself into Max.'s arms.) Oh, how good 

you are to me ! 

{To Max.'s horror she bursts into tears. Jack pats her 
on the shoulder patronizingly.) 

Max. Here, don't — please don't — I 

GoLDiE {clinging to him). I'll be such a good little wife 

to you 

J.\CK. Of course you will. 

{Enter Ethel and Payne, r. ; Miss P., l., ««^ Biggs, r. 
Biggs carry i?ig tea tray.) 

Max. Good Heavens ! 

Miss P. ) ^;r , 

Ethel. | ^^^ ' 

Biggs. Tea is served ! 

Payne {puttitig on his eye-glasses). Upon my soul ! 

(Max. and Goldie down r. Biggs stajids stock still up c.) 

Jack {down l.). Hullo, you're just in time to wish them 
good luck. Let me announce the engagement of Pro- 
fessor Carrington and Miss McGrath. 

Miss P. {aghast). Miss McGrath ? 

-52 



LET'S ALL GET MARRIED 



GoLDiE. Yes. Ain't it exciting? 

Miss P. {coming doivn l., assisted by Jack, sits on coucJi). 
Will somebody please get me a glass of water ? 

(Biggs /w/j tray on table down r., and exits r., shaking his 
head.) 

Ethel (down r., back of table). Engagement? 

Max. (crossly). Yes, engagement. Can't you hear ? 

Ethel. Brotlier, what does this mean ? 

Max. (going tip r. to Payne). It means that I'm going to 
be married to-night after dinner, and let me see any- 
body hand a cent of that money to the Old Ladies' 
Home ; d'you hear ? {He shakes his fist at Payne.) 

Payne. Bless me, how extraordinary ! 

(T/iey talk.) 

Jack. Providential. (7<7 Ethel.) Do get busy with the 
tea. (Ethel sits at the table , r., and poicrs tea. Jack 
serves it for her. BiGGS enters with Miss V.'''s, glass 
of water and hands it to her.) Sit down, Miss Mc- 
Grath, and let me get you some tea. Mr. Payne, 
make yourself at home. 

(Max. and Payne move to c, still talking.) 

GoLDiE {sitting in armchair down r.). Thanks. Lemon 
and no sugar, please. 

Ethel (as she hands Jack the cups). Jack, I don't under- 
stand. 

Jack. Nobody ever understands an engagement. 

Max. (to Payne). Now you understand the matter. You 
will attend to the settlement of that will ? 

Payne. Certainly. I congratulate you, my dear boy ; I 
assure you it pained me acutely to think of the legacy's 
going to the Old Ladies. As for the young lady 

Max. {savagely). Never mind the young lady I Do you 
understand about the money ? 

(They continue to talk in dumb show.) 

Jack (seating himself beside Miss P.). I say, these are 
handsome spoons. Heirlooms, I suppose ? 

Miss P. (in alarm). Yes, Pll take it out of your way; 
they're so troublesome. (Seizes his spoon and passes 

2>Z 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



it over he?- shoulder io Biggs, who goes out R. with iiy 

much to Jack's amazement.) Of course one must get 

used to surprises with a literary person in the family, 

but 

GoLDiE. Wasn't he deep ? Believe me, I never suspected 

a thing till he said, <*Miss Goldie " 

Jack i^junipiug up). The only thing that remains is for me 

to 'phone for a license and look up a J. P. 
Miss P. A J. P. ? 
GoLDiE. But why can't you marry us? 

Jack. 1? Why, I— I 

Max. Just the thing. No use telling everybody in town 

what we're going to do. 
Jack. No, 1 can't. I'm sorry, but 1 — I — I don't believe 

in marriage. 
Miss P. You don't believe in marriage ! 
Ethel {crossing to Miss P., l.). He mustn't — really — 

he 

Goldie. It would be so much more beautiful than having 

a justice of the peace. 
Jack. No, it wouldn't — you're mistaken. Besides, I wouldn't 

marry a couple on Friday the 13th if you were to give 

me a house and lot. Wouldn't have it on my conscience. 

{Rises, takes his cup and Miss P.'s /^ the tray.') 

Max. You didn't talk so much about your conscience a 

few minutes ago. 
Jack. You didn't give me a chance. It was ^' Goldie this " 

and *' Goldie that." Who am I to come between two 

loving hearts? 
Goldie {^iz^ling). Ain't he the cutest kid ? 
Max. Bah ! 
Jack. I'll go and 'phone the license office before it closes, 

and tell 'em to keep open till you can get down there. 

{Exit, l.) 

Miss P. That's a very danj^^erous young man. 

Goldie. I think he's swell ! {Holds out her cup.) Max, 

dear 

Max. {coming down to her and taking cup). I — I guess Pd 

better go and see that he doesn't ball things up ! 

{^Exit after Jack, l.) 
34 



LET'S ALL GET 3IARBIED 



, !• {doivn L.). Marjorie ! 



Payne {co77iing down to Goldie, who rises'). It is very 
difficult to adjust one's mind to the speed with wliich 
the present generation manages things, but 1 congratu- 
late you, my dear, very heartily. 

Goldie. Thanks. I hope I shan't regret it 

Miss P. Regret it ? 

Goldie {going up c). Yes, marry in haste, you know — 
goodness, there's a taxi out there with a trunk on it. 

Miss P. A taxi ? 

{£?iier Biggs, r.) 

Biggs. Miss Miller. 

Ethel 

Miss P. 

{Enter Marjorie Miller, r., in high spirits. She runs 
in excitedly.) 

Marjorie. Hullo, everybody ! Oh, Pm so glad to be 
back ! Auntie, dear, how good it is to see you again ! 
Ethel, why, how preity you've grown ! And dear old 
Mr. Payne ! Pm home to stay — isn't it great ? {She 
sees Goldie, who lias come down r.) I don't know 
who you are, but Pm awfully glad to see you, anyhow. 

Goldie. Pleased to know you. 

Marjorie. But why don't some of you say something? 
Aren't you glad to see me ? 

Ethel. Of course we are, only it's — it's so sudden. 

Marjorie. Didn't you get my letter? 

Miss P. Your letter? 

Marjorie. I wrote Max and told him — where is Max? 

(Conster?iation on the part of all except Goldie.) 

Payne. He — why, he's telephoning. He'll be in directly. 

Goldie. Do sit down and have some tea. 

Miss P. And let me introduce Miss McGrath, Max's 

{She pauses abruptly as Ethel signals frantically to her.) 

{Enter Jack, i.., followed by Max., 7vho stops suddenly as 
he sees Marjorie.) 

Jack. It's all right. The minute I told 'em that Professor 
Carrington wanted a marriage license they said they'd 
keep open all night if necessary. 

35 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Marjorie (in surprise). A marriage license ? 

Max. Marjorie ! 

Miss P. I was just going to tell you that Max and Miss 

McGrath are going to be married this evening. 
Marjorie (dazed). Max ! Married ! 
GoLDiE. And we're so glad you're here for the wedding. 

She says she wrote you, Max dear 

Marjorie. Biggs ! 
Biggs (^jumping). Yes, Miss. 
Marjorie. 'Phone for another taxi. 
Biggs {crossing r.). Yes, Miss. 



(Marjorie goes up r.) 



Jack. Miss Miller 
Max. Marjorie 



Marjorie (savagely). Don't speak to me. 

(Exitf R., after Biggs. Max. gives a groan and rushes off^ 
c. ; the other three stare at each other ; Goldie runs 
after Max.) 

Goldie. Ain't he the limit ? 

(Exit, c, after Max. Miss P. sinks into a couch.^ 

Miss P. Friday, the 13th ! I knew something would 

happen 1 
Payne. Pm afraid Pd better be moving along if dinner is 

to be at 6 : 30. I — I hope matters will smooth over. 

(Exit, r.) 

Ethel. Smooth over ! (To Jack.) 

Jack. A very cozy little dinner we're going to have. 

Miss P. Mr. Simpson ! 

Ethel. Pd better take you up and show yon your room. 
You'll want to dress. (Starts ■L.,follozued by Jack.) I 
think you and brother must be mad. 

Jack. We've got to put that wedding off till the Rev. Mor- 
ris turns up or get a J. P. I tell you I'm not going to 
be a clergyman if things are going to happen like this. 

(Exeunt both, L.) 

(Enter Biggs, r.) 

Biggs. She's goin' as soon as the taxi comes. 

36 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Miss P. Oh, dear. 

Biggs (mysteriously, as he crosses to c). Where is 'e ? 

Miss P. Gone to his room. Oh, Biggs, you don't tliink 



Biggs. I'm as sure that *e's Slick joe the Parson as 1 ham 
that this is my 'and. The minute I see him sliding 
hout of that door, 1 says to myself, *' That's 'im." 

(Enter Marjorie, r.) 

Marjorie (/(? Biggs). Have you sent for that taxi? 
BiGGS. Hi was just habout to do so, Miss. 

(Exit Biggs, l., with tea tray and tea things.) 

Miss P. Marjorie, you're not going to leave us again ? 

Marjorie (coming down c). Yes, i am, but I'd like that 
letter of mine before 1 go. 

Miss P. Letter ? 

Marjorie. The one I wrote Max. 

Miss P. (wildly'). My dear, it never came; or if it did, 
Max never opened it. You know how careless he is 
with mail. There are the letters that came this morn- 
ing on the floor. I must go and see that Ethel puts 
that man in the right room ! 

(Exit, L.) 

QAa.v,}0\\ie. pounces on the letters and picks one vp.) 

Marjorie (downu). My letter! Unopened! {Shakes her 
fist at the absent Max.) Oh, I'll get even with you for 
this ! Anyway, that stenographer person shan't read it ! 

(Tucks it into her bag angrily!) 

(Enter Morris, c. Takes her for Ethel.) 

Morris. I forgot whether you said the left hand side, or 
the (She turns.) Good gracious, Marjorie ! 

(Comes down.) 

Marjorie. Well, where did you come from ? 

Morris. Dropped in to surprise Max, and Ethel per- 
suaded me to run out for a call on Mary Jones before 
dinner. Remember Mary Jones ? 

Marjorie (sulkily). No. 

37 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Morris. Nice girl (sitlhig), but plain, very. Nobody is 

to know that I'm here, see? Don't breathe a word to 

Max. 
Marjorie. 1 shall never speak to Max again as long as I 

live — never. 
Morris. Why, Marjorie ! 
Marjokie. Ben, I've been brutally treated in this house — 

brutally. I'll never speak to any of them again — 

never. 
Morris. {dotu?i ^.^. My dear girl! 
Marjorie [crossing to hiui). Here I came all the way 

from Paris, traveling like mad, just to get here in time 

for the birthday, ready to forgive him everything and — 

and marry him, and I find him engaged to a typewriting 

girl ! 
Morris. Engaged? Max? Impossible. 
Marjorie. Didn't I see the girl ? Horrid yellow haired 

thing ! 1 didn't think Max could be so mercenary. 
Morris. My dear Marjorie, he couldn't be. Depend upon 

it, he really loves the girl or he wouldn't be engaged to 

her. 
Marjorie {wildly). What business has he to love her 

when he's engaged to me ? 
Morris. But I thought you broke the engagement? 
Marjorie. Oh, what's that got to do with it? But I'll get 

even with him. 
Morris. My dear girl, that's a very unchristian spirit. 
Marjorie. I don't care if it is. Do you suppose I'm 

going to be the only Christian in this family? 
Morris. If you'd only try to conquer that diabolical 

tern. per of yours 

Marjorie. I did try. I wrote Max the meekest letter that 

I ever wrote in my life, and this is what I get for it. 
Morris. But you wouldn't deliberately make two young 

people unhappy, my dear ? 
Marjorie. Yes, I would, if I only knew how to do it. 

When I think of her taking Max away from me, and 

all that money, too, I — I — oh 

{Throws herself into chair.) 

Morris {rising, pats her shoulder). Now, now, now ; 
what's money, anyhow? 

38 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Makjorie. And it's not my fault, either. I'm ready to 
get married, and I will, too. 

Morris. Now, Marjorie, look out. You're getdng reckless. 

Makjokie. Look here, Ben. Could you forge a weddm^^ 
certificate ? ^ 

Morris. Could I what ? 

Marjorie. No, of course you couldn't. I'll have to man- 
age without it. You run along and see Mary Jones, 
and I'll show these people a thing or two. 

Morris. I can't leave you like this. Remember, fraud is 
a very dangerous thing. 

Marjorie. Well, what do you call what they've done? 
Cheating me out of the money that my poor old 
guardian wanted me to have ? 

Morris. But if they love each other 

Marjorie. Oh, I wish you'd stop talking about their lov- 
ing each other ! You're positively mushy. 

Morris {gom^ up c). Very well, I wash my hands of 
you, Marjorie. 

Marjorie. 1 wish you would go— that face of yours would 
give anything away ! 

Morris. Under the circumstances, I don't like to go. 

Marjorie (^going up c. to him). I promise you 1 won't do 
anything really dreadful. 

Morris. That's just it. You have such queer ideas of 
what is really dreadful. {Starts.) Hullo! I hear 
somebody. I must go. 1 want to surprise Max. 
Mind, now, don't tell him I'm here. 

Marjorie. There they come 

Morris {bolting out at c). Now, Marjorie, do be care- 
ful 

{Exit.) 

Marjorie {coming down). Careful ! Oh, yes, I'll be 
careful ! 

{Enter Biggs, l.) 

Biggs. The taxi will be 'ere in ten minutes, Miss. 
Marjorie. 1 don't want it. I've decided to stay. 

{Exit, r.) 
Biggs. Very well. Miss. 

{Exit, L.) 
39 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



(^Enter Max., wildly, at c. Goes to doory l., and bawls. ^ 

Max. Simpson, come here ! 

(^Enter Ethel, r. Max. comes down R. , followed by Ethel.) 

Ethel. Max, what are we going to do with Marjorie ? I 
met her in the hall just now and she's going to stay. 

(^Enter Jack, l., and comes down r.) 

Max. How do I know? You'd better ask your friend, 

Mr. Simpson. 
Jack. Did somebody call me ? 
Max. (laildly). Yes, I called you. You've got to get me 

out of this mess. D'you hear ? 
Jack. Nothing doing. 1 never meddle in other people's 

love affairs. 
Max. I tell you you've got to. Miss McGrath's gone 

home to clress for the wedding, and when she conies 

back you've got to tell her that it's all oif. D'you 

hear? 
'Ktuei. (crossing to ]kCK,u'). But, Max, you can't. She's 

liable to sue you for breach of promise. 
Jack (down l.). She's not liable to, she's dead sure to, 

and she's got a darned good case. 
Max. (intensely, to Jack). Look here. I can't marry that 

girl. Can't you understand? It's Marjorie I want; 

Marjorie, and 

(^Enter Marjorie, r. She has taken off her wraps. She 
comes down c.) 

Marjorie (sweetly^. Max, I'm sorry I lost my temper so 

badly. You'll forgive me, won't you ? 

Max. (down r., amazed, but pleased). Marjorie, I — I 

ErHEL (to Jack). Whew ! 

Marjorie. I think it must have been because I was so 

anxious to tell you my wonderful news, and you took 

the wind all out of my sails. 
Max. Your news ? 
Marjorie. Yes. I want you all to congratulate me. Six 

months ago, in England, I — I was married. 

(They stare at her in horror as the curtain falls.) 

curtain 
40 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The same as Act I. Time, about an hour later. 
Lights are on a?id curtains drawn. Typewriter and 
stand have been re?noved. 

(Biggs is discovered ushering in Payne, r.) 

Payne. I'm the first arrival, I suppose? 

Biggs. Yes, sir. 

Payne. That's good. I want a chance to speak to the 
Professor before the rest come. 

Biggs. The Professor isn't 'ere, sir. 

Payne. Isn't here ? 

Biggs. 'E and the Rev. Mr. Simpson went hout on busi- 
ness connected with the license, sir, and they 'aven't 
yet returned. 

Payne. Of course, of course ! And the ladies ? 

Biggs. The ladies are dressing, sir. If you'd like to step 
into the smoking-room 

Payne. Why, yes, i 

(^Enter Miss P., r., excitedly.) 

Miss P. Mr. Payne, I must speak to you before the others 
come down ! Have the gentlemen returned. Biggs ? 

(Miss P. comes down i..^ followed by Payne.) 

Biggs. No, Miss. 

Miss P. {trao^ically'). And it's six o'clock ! Oh, how 

many more dreadful things are going to happen to us 

to-night ! 
Biggs {pessimistically). Hi don't know, Miss, but I should 

say hit was hup to us to be very careful. 
Miss P. Yes, indeed. You may bring me all the silver 

that isn't being used. Biggs, and I'll find a hiding-place 

for it. 
Biggs. Very well. Miss. 

{Exit, L.) 

(Miss P. and Payne sit on couch, down l.) 
41 



LETS ALL GET MARRiED 



Payne. You're not anticipating a robbery, I hope? 

Miss P. Yes, 1 am, among other things ! 

Payne. But my dear lady, I thought everything was mov- 
ing so smoothly. Here's Max engaged to a splendid 
girl 

Miss P. Splendid nothing ! She's a designing little minx 
who's had her eye on Max ever since she heard about 
that will. Now that he's so upset about Marjorie's 
being married, he'll go through with it just for spite. 

Payne. Marjorie married ! 

Miss P. Yes, married. In England, six months ago. 
She told Max and Ethel an hour ago, in this room. 

Payne. But, madam — this is serious — this affects the will. 

Miss P. Of course it affects the will. That's what she did 
it for. 

Payne. If only you would calm yourself and give me the 
facts 

Miss P. I don't know the facts. She's shut herself in her 
room and refuses to speak. 

Payne. She'll speak to me, or Pll know the reason why. 
Tell her that I wish an interview with her before din- 
ner, and that Pll wait for her in the smoking-room. 

Miss P. It's of no use ! You don't know Marjorie as I do. 
I brought her up. 

Payne {snappishly). My dear friend, if that's your idea 
of bringing up a young woman, it was a beneficent 
Providence that provided you with a career of single 
blessedness. 

Miss P. Mr. Payne ! 

{Eftter Biggs, l., with the silver in a basket.) 

Biggs. The silver, Miss. 

Miss P. Put it down. Pll attend to it later. (Biggs puts 
it down and exits R.) You must help me stop this 
wedding. That girl and Max will never be happy to- 
gether. If she must marry somebody, why not Dick 
Havens? He's got a lot of money, and he's perfectly 
silly over her. At any rate, she slian't have Max ! 

Payne. But my dear lady, she's got Max. What are you 
going to do about it ? 

Miss P. You must talk her out of it. 

Payne. Did you ever try to talk a woman out of a hundred 
thousand dollars ? 

42 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Miss P. She's an impossible person ; talks slang, powders 

and paints her face ; there's no knowing what else she 

does. 
Payne. She looks to me like a very nice girl. 
Miss P. When a man gets to your age, they all look like 

very nice girls. 
Payne. Well, at any rate, Max has asked her to marry 

him, so I guess it's too late to interfere. 
Miss P. Well, if a clever lawyer like you can't argue a 

mere child like that out of a thing, 1 don't think much 

of the law 1 

{^E titer GoLDiE, c.) 

GoLDiE. Oh, am I early, after all? Hasn't the Professor 
— Max — come back yet? 

Miss P. No. 

GoLDiE {coming down R.). I suppose PU have an awful 
time getting him to be punctual to meals. 

Miss P. In this household meals are subject to the con- 
venience of the head of the house. 

GoLDiE {to Payne). Ain't that a dreadful way to spoil a 
man? How do you like my dress? 

Payne. Very attractive, indeed, very. 

Miss P. Pll go up now and speak to Marjorie. And 
you 

{Makes signs toward Goi.the, who is taking off her wrap.) 
{Exit, K.) 

GoLDiE {sitting R.). I got it for the dancing club, but I 

thought 1 might as well wear it to-night. 
Payne {sitting r.). Very charming, I'm sure. We — were 

just — ahem — discussing your — ahem — marriage before 

you came in. 
Goldie. ril bet she was knocking me. 

Payne. Knocking you? My dear young lady 

Goldie. She's got a grouch on me as long as the twenty- 
first of June. 
Payne. You misjudge her. The suddenness of the 

affair 

Goldie {poutifig). Now, listen ; it's not my fault that his 

uncle made that silly old will. 
Payne. Of course not. She is only wondering whether 

you and Max are quite suited to one another. 

43 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



GoLDiE. Humph ! 

Payne. Your tastes, now, are so different. 

GoLDiE. Are they ? 

Payne. Aren't they ? Max with his books, you know, and 

you with your dancing club. 
GOLDIE. Then why doesn't she come out fair and square 

and say so, instead of nagging you on to worry me ? 
Payne. Nagging me on ? 
GOLDiE. Of course. You're not the sort to come around 

faultfinding and making a girl unhappy just before 

she's going to be m-married ! 
Payne. 1 — 1 hope not. 
Goldie. As for the dancing — why, everybody's doing it 

nowadays. 
Payne. I don't. 
Goldie. But you could — ^just as easy. I could teach you 

in ten minutes. 

Payne. I hardly think I 

Goldie (rising). Come on, let me show you. 

Payne. Really, I'm afraid I'm too old, my dear. 

Goldie [pulling him to his feet). Old? And me sayin* 

only yesterday to Biggs, how well Mr. Payne keeps his 

looks I 
Payne. I — I'm afraid you're flattering me. 
Goldie (jlrmvin^ him doian c). Nothing doing. You 

just ask Biggs. See, you begin this way 

(She takes a few steps.) 

Payne. Really, I 

Goldie. And then you (She illustrates, singing the 

tune. He tries to imitate her ; she takes his arm.) 

That's it. 
Payne. Bless me, how extraordinary ! 
Goldie. That's great ! I'll teach you the hesitation some 

day. Limber up ! 

(Enter Ethel, r. She conies down R.) 

Ethel (in astonishme?it). Well, Mr. Payne I 

(Payne and Goldie stop suddenly.) 

Payne. Dear me ! We — we 

Goldie. Good-evenin'. I was just showin* him a new step 
we're learning in our club. See you at dinner. 

44 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



{Runs off, L.) 
Ethel. Humph ! 

Payne {gohig up c). Exactly. Will you kindly tell Mar- 
jorie thai I'm waiting for her in the smoking-room ? 
{Dances painstakingly, goes L. — stops suddenly.) Bless 
me ! 

(^Exit, L., solemnly.') 

Ethel. Well, of all things ! 

{Enter Miss P., R.) 

Miss P. {coming down l.). Where's Mr. Payne gone? 

Ethel. Smoking-room. Auntie, he — he never takes any- 
thing, does he ? 

Miss P. Takes anything ? 

Ethel. He was behaving so strangely just now. I 

Miss P. He's bothered about Marjorie. As a lawyer, he 
has to get the particulars of this queer marriage of hers. 

Ethel. Well, I hope he gets 'em, but I have my doubts. 

Miss P. I mean to see that he gets them. In the mean- 
time, I want a word with you, Ethel. 

Ethel. Yes, auntie. 

{Crosses l. to Miss P. They sit on couch.) 

Miss P. My dear child, I hope matters have not progressed 

very far between you and this Simpson man. 
Ethel. Why, I — I'm very much interested in him. 
Miss P. Oh, dear, I was afraid of it. That's the way they 

always begin. Nip it in the bud, child ; don't allow 

yourself to grow fond of him. 
Ethel. But why not? He's such a good young man. 
Miss P. Good ? 

Ethel. And you and Max are so fond of clergymen. 
Miss P. {mysteriously'). I have reason to suspect that he is 

not a clergyman at all. 
Ethel {startled). Auntie ! 

Miss P. Also that he is a very dangerous character, 
Ethel. But I'll tell you I know all about Arthur. 
Miss P. My poor child ! You don't know his hidden 

wickedness ! 
Ethel. Auntie ! 

Miss P. You don't even know his name. 
Ethel. Yes, I do; it's — it's Simpson. 

45 



LETS ALL GET 3IARBIED 



Miss P. I thought so. 
Ethel. Well, what is it then ? 

Miss P. It (She pauses as Max. and Jack ente?- c.) 

No, i can't tell you — 1 can't ! 

{She goes up i.., followed by Ethel.) 

Max. I said after dinner and I meant after dinner. Here's 
the bride and here are you. What more do you want ? 

(Max. and Jack come down c.) 

Miss P. {up L., to Ethel). Keep away from that man ! 

{Exii Miss P., L. YjTYl^i. follows.) 

Jack. But I can't marry you without a license. 

Max. I'm going down to get the license as soon as this 

confounded dinner is over. 

Jack. I tell you 1 won't do it. I 

Ethel {reentering L.). Max, you must speak to Marjorie 

and make her come down to dinner. She 

Max. I don't care whether she comes down to dinner or 

not. 
Jack. I hope she won't. We've had nothing but trouble 

since she came. 
Ethel. But she must come to the wedding. 
Max. She'll come to the wedding, all right. She'll come 

to gloat over what she's done. {Sinks into a chair ^ r.) 
Ethel {patting his head). Brother ! 
Max. Married ! Six months after our engagement was 

broken ! And yet they say women are the faithful sex ! 
Jack. Who says so ? 
Ethel. And you know, dear, she might say the same 

thing about you. 
Max. {jumping up). It's a lie ! I never thought about 

getting married till he put it into my head. 
Jack. Oh, of course. 1 notice that Miss Goldie didn't 

seem much surprised. 
Ethel. Then why don't you break it off? 
Max. And have Marjorie think that 1 did it just because 

she came home ? I'd marry twenty typewriters first ! 

{Enter BiGGS, R.) 

Biggs. Mr. Dick Havens. 

46 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



(E?iier Dick, k., tnuch embarrassed.) 
( Exit Biggs, l. ) 

Ethel. Oh, good-evening. 

Dick {comifig down l.). Good-evening. Good-evening, 
Professor. 

Max. {shortly). Good-evening. 

Dick. 1 say, is— is it true? 

Max. Is what true ? 

Dick {niuch embarrassed, but determined). I heard — that 
is, somebody said — that you and Miss Goldie were 
going to be married this evening, and 1 

Max. {furiously). How the deuce did 

Ethel. Brother ! 

Dick. Then it — it is true ? 

Jack. Yes, my young friend, it is. Why not ? 

Dick. Why, you see, 1 thought 

M.KY.. {savagely). What business have you to think ? Don't 
you know that half the trouble in the world comes from 
people trying to think when they haven't the necessary 
equipment? Don't you know 

Ethel. Max ! 

Dick. Yes, yes, of course, but I thought 

Max. You 

Ethel. Brother ! 

Dick. I thought I'd like to give her my — my best wishes. 
And I thought 

Max. Thanks ! 

Dick (mapping his forehead). You're quite welcome. It's 
— it's a warm evening, isn't it? 

Ethel. Yes, isn't it ! 

Dick. I guess I'd better be going. Good -evening. Pro- 
fessor. 

Max. Good-evening. 

Dick. You see, 1 thought 

(Max. moves toward him threateningly, and Dick escapes, k.) 

Max. All over town in an hour ! 

{He rushes out into the garden, c, his hands to his head.) 

Jack. That's the way he's been carrying on ever since she 
sprung that bluff on him about being married. 

47 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Ethel {down l., sits o?i couch). Bluff? But you don't 
think 

Jack. Oh, I dare say she's married all right, but where's 
the man ? 

Ethel. 1 suppose she's quarreled with him. Marjorie 
always quarrels with men. 

Jack. Well, she's got it in for the Professor all right. 
Isn't that just like a woman ? She can marry any 
time she feels like it, but let a chap that she's turned 
down try it on once and it's ** bring me the dagger." 

Ethel. Of course. 

Jack (r.). Now, look here; I want it understood I'm not 
going to perform any wedding ceremony. 

Ethel. Of course not. 

Jack. There's no of course about it. They've both got 
their minds set on it, and I'm just that accommo- 
dating 



Ethel. But, Jack, you 

Jack. I tell you, it's a state's prison offense — I don't know 

but that they could hang me for it. I'm not going to 

get myself hung just to please your brother's typewriter. 
Ethel. You shan't be hung, darling. I won't have it. 
Jack. That aunt of yours is acting mighty queer, too. 
Ethel. I'm afraid she suspects something. Jack. She's 

been warning me against you. 
Jack. Against me? {Crosses to her.) 
Ethel. Yes. 

Jack. What does she suspect ? 
Ethel. I don't know. But she — she doesn't think you're 

good company for me. 
Jack. I think it's the other way round. I haven't done a 

thing but mangle the truth ever since we've been engaged. 
Ethel. We're not engaged. 

{Enter Marjorie, r.) 

Jack {seating himself beside Ethel). Look here, Ethel. 
Marjorie {cotning dozvn r.). 1 beg pardon, but Aunt 
Laura said that Mr. Payne wanted to see me. 

{They both Jump up.) 

Ethel. He does. He's in the smoking-room. Let me 

introduce my friend, Mr. Simpson, my Why, I 

don't know your name, do 1 ? 
4S 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Marjorie (calmly). Miller. Wasn't it odd that I should 

marry a man of the same name as my own ? 
Jack. Deuced odd. Glad to meet you, Mrs Miller. 

(Marjorie eyes him suspiciously as they shake hands. "y 

Ethel. Doesn't it sound funny? 
Marjorie. Oh, I've grown quite used to it. 

{Enter Max., i.., followed by Payne.) 

Max, I tell you I don't want to discuss it ! Can't a man 
get married without the whole town's badgering him 
about it ? {Stops at sight of Marjorie.) Oh, good- 
evening ! 

Marjorie {lioivn r.). Good -evening. 

Payne (c). Marjorie, what's this they're saying about 
you? Married to a confounded foreigner, and not a 
word to the family about it? Tut — tut, I'm surprised 
at you. 

Marjorie. Well, you see 

Ethel. His name's Miller, too. Isn't it funny? 

Max. Very. 

Payne. But where is he ? You didn't come home without 
him, surely? 

Marjorie [with difficulty). Well, you see, he went away 
just after we were married. 

Payne. Went away ? 

Marjorie. Yes, on an exploring expedition. To hunt for 
one of the poles — no, I don't mean the poles, I mean 
the equator. I've got such a bad memory. But it's 
one of those things that you can't see when you're stand- 
ing right on it. 

Ethel. Well, I think that's a queer kind of wedding trip. 

Marjorie. Yes, isn't it? But Englishmen are so adven- 
turous. 

Max. (c). Why didn't you go with him? 

Marjorie [coldly). Because I had to come home and claim 
my share of your uncle's legacy. 

(Max. collapses into chair, r. c.) 

Jack. What sort of a looking chap is Mr. Miller? 

Marjorie (innocently). Why — I — he — only saw him such 
a short time. He's not a handsome man at all. Some- 
thing on your style. 

49 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Jack, Oh ! 

Makjorie. I — I don't like to talk about him very much. 

It makes me feel so blue. Those expeditions are so 

full of perils. 
Max. Especially the equator. People seldom come back 

from the equator whole. 
Ethel. Max ! 

Marjorie. Still, I love his bravery. 
Payne (still standing, c). I understand, my dear, but in 

law, you know, we must have something solid to go 

upon. Now, of course you brought your wedding 

certificate with you ? 
Marjorie. Why — I — I guess so. Probably I have it in 

one of my trunks. 
Payne. But that's immaterial ; we can easily send to the 

church where you were married and get a copy. ' 
Marjorie. Yes, of course. 
Ethkl. How old is he? 
Marjorie. Oh, about twenty-eight or nine. 
Payne {taking out a memorandufn book). His name in 

full ? 
Marjorie. A. B. Miller. Abraham. I — I don't know 

what the B stands for. 
Ethel. Abraham ? 
Payne (jvriting). Of what county? 
Marjorie. London. I — I — think — — 
Payne. London, England. Of course you have an ad- 
dress that will reach him ? 
Jack. Oh, of course. Just Miller, somewhere around the 

equator, would reach him. 
Marjorie. What are you going to do? Write to him? 
Payne. I intend to send him a copy of the will at once. 
Marjorie. No, don't ! He wouldn't be interested. He 

doesn't care a thing in the world for money. 
Max. He must be a darned fool ! 
Ethel. Max ! 

Payne. And his parents* names ? 
Marjorie. I don't know. T — oh — T don't want to talk 

about Abie ! Pm so afraid he won't come back ! I — 

I_oh 

(She bursts into tears and runs out of the room, L.) 

Ethel. You poor dear ! {Runs after her.) 

50 



LET'S ALL GET MARRIED 



Max. Abie ! 

Payne. Marjorie always had a tender heart. 

Jack. A tender conscience would help things a whole lot ! 

Max. She's been imposed upon by some mercenary wretch 
who's heard about uncle's money and played upon her 
feelings. Something's got to be done. 

Payne {soothi7igly). Now, my boy, calm yourself. Re- 
member 

Max. {wildly). I don't want to remember. I want to 
forget. 

Jack {wickedly). They're probably as happy together as 
two turdedoves. 

Max. Turtledoves be 

Payne. At any rate, remember that the poor girl has had 
a long, hard trip, and that we mustn't worry her 

Max. Worry her? I tell you I'll find out who and what 
that man is if I have to go to the equator and yank him 
off of it ! (^Rushes off, l.) 

Payne {following). Oh, what a trying thing tempera- 
ment is ! 

{Exit after Max., l.) 

Jack {glaring after them). I guess you'll think so if you 
stay very long in this house. Of all the fancy gilt- 
edged liars that girl {Sees silver.) Hello, what's 

this doing here? {Picks it up.) More family heir- 
looms. {Examines silver.) Infernally careless of 
Biggs to leave it lying round like this. Anybody 
could come in through those windows and carry it oif 
as easy as pie. I'll lock it up. 

(^Enter Goldie, l. ; stares at him in fascination as he goes 
up c, silver under his arm.) 

Goldie [firmly). You drop that ! 

Jack. What? 

Goldie {up c). Drop it, I say. I'm on to your game. 

Jack {stupefied). On to my game ? 

Goldie. Yes. Biggs has told me who you are. 

Jack. Who I am ? 

Goldie. Yes, and I ain't afraid of you, Mr. Slick Joe the 

Parson. 
Jack {stepping toward her). I say, are you crazy ? 

51 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



GoLDiE {backing). Don't you come near me. I'll yell if 
you do. 

Jack. Say, you haven't been sampling the cocktails, have 
you ? 

GoLDiE. Don't you get fresh with me. You drop that sil- 
ver and get out. 

Jack {starting toward her). Now, look here 

{She screams wildly ; he drops the silver ; Goldie grabs for 
it. He stoops to help her.) 

Goldie. Don't you touch me, you big brute I Get out or 

I'll call the police ! 
Jack. The police ! 

{Efiter Miss P. ^«^ Biggs, l.) 

GohDiE (grabbing Jack* s le/t arm). Here he is. I caught 

him with the goods. 
Miss P. Oh ! 

(Biggs seizes Jack's right arm. Biggs, Jack and Goldie 
struggling, tnove down c, followed by Miss P.) 

Biggs. That'll do, me man ; we've got you. 
Jack. What do you mean by this ? Here, quit it. 
Miss P. Don't let him go. Max ! Max ! 
Goldie. Ain't he the wretch? I found him trying to get 
out through the garden, and I says to him 

(Enter Max., h., followed by Payne.) 

Jack (freeing himself from Biggs, 7vho falls back, R.). 
Quit it, d'you hear? What's the matter with you all? 
Are you out of your heads ? 

(Goldie secures the silver and stands down R.) 

Miss P. (down l.). Max, be careful — he's desperate. 

Max. (grabbing Jack, c). What's the matter here, any- 
way ? 

Jack. Matter? Your man's been trying to pinch me for 
getting away with the silver. 

Max. Getting away with the silver? 

Biggs. He's Slick Joe the Parson, sir. 'E was *ere this 
morning lookin' round, and now 'e's come back for the 
swag. 

52 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



GOLDIE. And I caught him getting it, 
Payne (up i..). Bless me ! 
Max. Slick Joe the Parson ? 

(^Eiiter Ethel and Marjorie, l.) 

Marjorie {coming down, l.). Did somebody scream? 
Jack. Did somebody scream ! 
Ethel {coming doivn to Jack's right side). Oh ! 
Max. What does this mean ? Look here, Simpson 



Jack. I don't know what it means. If you will have a 

lunatic for a butler 

Miss P. Don't listen to him, Max; he's not a clergyman, 

and his name isn't Simpson. 
GOLDiE. He's Slick Joe. That's the way he gets the lay 

of things ; pretending to be a minister. It's all in the 

morning paper. 
Jack. Now, look here, Professor, Pm not a crook, and I 

don't want your silver. I was 

Biggs. Then why was you trying to get hout of the win- 
dow with it? 
Jack. I wasn't trying to get " hout " of the window with it ! 
Max, Will you let me speak ? Biggs, what authority have 

you for suspecting a friend of the Rev. Mr. Morris of 

trying to steal our silver ? 
Biggs. Sir ? 

Miss P. The morning paper says 

Max. Aunt Laura 

Payne {behind couch, l.). What makes you think he's a 

friend of Ben Morris ? 
Max. Why — he — he — said so. 

{Groan from 'Biggs.') 

Ethel. He is, too ; he 

Marjorie. He doesn't strike me as being the least like a 

clergyman. 
Goldie. If he's a clergyman, why wouldn't he marry Max 

and me? 

Ethel. He couldn't ; he 

Jack. Pm not a clergyman, and Pm not a burglar, Pm 

Ethel. Oh ! 

Max. You're not a clergyman ? 

Goldie. Ain't it fierce? On my wedding day, too. 

53 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Marjorie. Perhaps you'll have the goodness, if it's not 
asking too much, to tell us who you are ? 

Jack {eyeing her coolly). Certainly. 1 haven't the slightest 
.. objection to telling if you haven't. 1 

Ethel. No, I — I can't stand it. 

Max. Well, who are you ? 

Jack {modestly). I hate to make such a fuss about it. It's 
really not my fault. I — well, you might as well know 
^I'm Mr. Miller. 

(Ethel gives a piercing scream and runs off, R.) 

Miss P. My poor girl ! 

{She follows Ethel out r. Marjorie takes a step toward 
Jack, as though to strike him, then stops, breathes 
hard J and stares angrily at him.) 

Max. Mr. Miller ? You ? 

Jack. Of course. You didn't think I was going to let my 
wife come all the way over here alone, did you ? 

Max {dazed). Your wife ? 

Payne. But — but — the equator ! 

Jack. Oh, she didn't want to spring me on you too sud- 
denly, that's all. We wanted to give you time to get 
used to the idea. Didn't we — Margy? 

(^Goes to her, down l. Max. walks furiously tip "S.., fol- 
lowed by Payne.) 

Goldie. Well, anyhow, the silver will be safer in the 
dining-room ! 

( Exit, L. , followed by BiGGS.) 

Marjorie (/// a fierce aside to Jack). You just prove that 
you're Mr. Miller ! 

Jack. Well, you just prove that I'm not. 

Marjorie. Oh! {Turns away angrily.) 

Max. How dared you tell me that your name was Simpson ? 

Jack. Oh, your sister and I planned that. You see, Mar- 
jorie wanted to make her announcement before she 
introduced me. (Payne tries to soothe Max.) Have 
I spoiled things by telling them, pet ? 

Marjorie {divided between fury and fear). Yes, you 
have. 

54 



LETS ALL GET 3IABBIED 



Jack. It's just these little things that keep married life 
going smoothly. Remember that, Professor. 

Max. Bah ! 

Payne. I'd like a chat with you, Mr. Miller, when you 
have leisure, about the 

Jack. Any time, my dear fellow, any time. Marjorie's 
said to me a dozen times, '< I'm so anxious to have you 
meet my dear friend Mr. Payne, Abie," Haven't you, 
dear? 

Marjorie. I — I (^Goes t/p angrily.) 

{Enter Miss P., r.) 

Miss P. I can't do a thing with Ethel. I think she's got 

hysterics. 
Jack. I'll fix her. I'm a wiz at soothing hysterics. 
Miss P. Sir! 
Jack. Ma'am? 
Max. Stay where you are. 

Jack. Of course, if you want Ethel to have hysterics 

Miss P. I will attend to Miss Carrington's hysterics, sir. 

{Exit, R.) 

Jack. Oh, very well. {To Marjorie.) I think I'll go 
and take a little smoke before dinner, if you don't 
object, darling? 

Marjorie. I don't care what you do. {Exit Jack, c, 
waving his hand to Marjorie.) Max — Mr. Payne — I 
want to tell you the truth about Mr. Miller. 

(Payne and Max. come down r.) 

Payne. Eh ? 

Max. The truth ? 

Marjorie {mysteriously). Have you noticed anything 

queer about him ? 
Payne. Queer ? 

Max. Yes, I have, several things that are darned queer. 
Marjorie. I ought to have told you before, but it was so 

humiliating to me, and I — I 

Max. What do you mean ? 

Marjorie. I mean that Mr. Miller isn't — isn't — right 

here. {Touches her forehead meanifigly.) 
Payne. Bless me ! 
Max. What ? 

55 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Marjorie. We'd been married only a month when I found 

it out, and of course there was nothing else to do but 

to have him put under restraint. 
Payne. Upon my soul ! 

Max. This is a nice slate of affairs ! {Siis r.) 
Makjorie. We — we put him in a very good institution, 

where he had the best of care, but he must have bribed 

the doctors to let him out. 
Payne (siain^ r.). Extraordinary! 
Marjorie. I might have known he'd follow me. He can't 

bear having me out of his sight. 
Max. Bah ! 

Marjorie. It's an awful situation, isn't it? 
Max. Why didn't you divorce him when you found 

out 

Marjorie. The laws of England are so — so unjust 



Payne, What is his particular form of hallucination? 

Marjorie. All kinds; he forgets that he's married, and we 
have to watch hiui so carefully to keep him from pro- 
posing to good-looking girls. 

Max. This is a case for the police. 

Payne. Atrocious ! 

Marjorie. It's been an awful trial to me. The moment I 
saw him getting so — so friendly with Ethel I was afraid 
he was getting ready to propose to her. 

Max. 1 shall 'phone the police at once. 

Payne (rising-). No, you'd better let me attend to it. Max. 
I'll have the scoundrel under lock and key in an hour. 

Marjorie. Oh, yes, Mr. Payne, please do. Tell them to 
send two very strong policemen, or keepers; he's aw- 
fully violent at times. Only — only 

Max. Well ? 

Marjorie. Don't let them be harsh with Abie. I 

Payne. Leave it to me, my dear. 

(Exit, L.) 
(Enter Ethel, r., wiping her eyes.) 

Ethet,. Aunt Laura wants you both to come right away. 

The Grahams have come. 
Max. Hang the Grahams ! 
Marjorie {to Max.). I'll go; you break it to her gently. 

(Exit, R.) 

56 



LET'S ALL GET MARRIED 



Ethel. Break what ? 

Max. Come here and listen to me, Ethel. 

Ethel (coming down l.). Yes, Max, but please hurry. 
You know, the Grahams 

Max. Confound the Grahams ! 

Ethel. But 

Max. I don't want you to have anything more to do with 
this man Miller. Do you understand ? 

Ethel. But, brother 

Max. Don't begin to argue it. I don't want you even to 
speak to the fellow. 

Ethel. But won't that be rather awkward at dinner ? 

Max. He won't be here to dinner. 

Ethel. Won't be here to dinner? 

Max. No. Unless he succeeds in knocking down two 
policemen, which is not likely. 

Ethel. Brother, what do you mean ? 

Max. Marjorie's just told me that the man's a dan,?erous 
lunatic who has escaped from a private asylum in Eng- 
land. 

Ethel. Marjorie told you that ? 

Max. Yes. It's a frightful thing for her, poor girl. Mar- 
ried to a lunatic, and the laws of England 

Ethel. 1 don't believe it. 

Max. You may believe it or not, but I will be obeyed. 

Ethel. But Max 

Max. Payne's telephoning for the police now. 

Ethel. Oh, my ! 

Max. It'll be awkward if they arrive when the guests are 
here, but I shall tell Biggs 

Ethel. But, Max, you don't mean that you've actually 
sent for the police? 

Max. Didn't I tell you I had ? Do you suppose I'm going 
to have the ladies of my family insulted by a crazy man, 
and do nothing? 

Ethel. Insulted ? 

Max. Yes. One of his favorite hallucinations is forgetting 
that he is married, and proposing to other women. 

Ethel. But, brother, I don't think it's insulting lo be pro- 
posed to. 

Max. By a married man ? 

Ethel. Well, if the poor thing's so absent-minded that he 
forgets he's married 

57 



LET'S ALL GET 3IARRIED 



Max. Ethel, I'm surprised — I'm amazed — words fail me ! 
But understand, I intend to be obeyed ! Do you 
hear me ? 

(^He shakes his fist at her wildly, and holts out r.) 

( Enter Jack, c. , whistling unconcernedly. She runs to him . ) 

Ethel. Jack, what have you done ? 
Jack. Me? 

(^They come down c.) 

Ethel. Yes, you. How could you say you were Mr. 

Miller ? 
Jack. Well, I had to say I was somebody, didn't I ? 

Ethel. Yes, but 

Jack. And I iliought it was about time somebody called 

off her bluff. 
Ethel. Bluff? You mean that there isn't any Mr. Miller? 
Jack. Of course there isn't. He's a pleasant little fiction 

gotten up for the purpose of getting that inheritance for 

Miss Marjorie. 
Ethel. Oh ! 

Jack. And incidentally to punish Max for daring to pro- 
pose to another girl. 
Ethel. I thought it was queer she didn't try to prove that 

you weren't Mr. Miller. 
Jack. Prove? She can't prove anybody isn't Mr. Miller. 

That's where we've got her. Pretty girl, your cousin, 

but a darned poor liar. 
Ethel. Jack ! 
Jack. Oh, it wasn't bad for a beginner — especially 

*' Abie," but 

Ethel. But why? 

Jack. Because I wanted to stay here, of course, to be near 

you. 
Ethel. You can't stay here. They've sent for the police. 
Jack. The police ? 
Ethel. Yes. Marjorie told Max and Mr. Payne that Mr. 

Miller was an escaped lunatic. 
Jack. What? 
Ethel. Yes, and Mr. Payne 'phoned the police. They'll 

be here in a few minutes. Maybe they're here now. 
Jack. I say, this won't do. 

58 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Ethel. Jack, you'll have to tell them who you are. 

Jack. Lot of good that'll do. I'm through telling people 
who I am in this house. 

Ethel. But, dear, you must do something. The police 

Jack. I'll get out of here, that's what I'll do. 

Ethel. But, surely, if I tell them who you are 

Jack. Yes, please remember you told them 1 was Arthur 
Simpson. 

Ethel. But 

Jack. I tell you I'm going to hike. I don't like this luna- 
tic business. I've heard of chaps who were locked up 
for years because some other fellow swore they were 
looney. No, sir, me for the tall timber. 

Ethel. But, dear, surely you could prove that you've got 
good sense? 

Jack. No, I couldn't, and I'm not going to try. 

{Shirts tip C.) 

Ethel. But the police may be out there watching for you 

now. 
Jack (coming down). Gosh! (Shzrfs r.) 
Ethel. No, no, you'll run into some of the guests. 
Jack. I'll get out through the kitchen. 
Ethel. Biggs would see you. 
Jack. Well, where shall I go? 
Ethel. You might dress up in my clothes and go out the 

front door. 
Jack. I might dress up as Santy Claus and go up the 

chimney. 
Ethel. The very thing ! The roof! 

Jack. The roof! Why 

Ethel. Listen. There's a trap door that goes up from your 

room. You climb up on a table, and 

Jack. I don't care much for it. 

Ethel. But, darling, it's the only place where you'll be 

safe. I'll tell them that I saw you escape. 

Jack. Well 

Ethel. And then when it's dark you can come down and 

I'll let you out. 

Jack. It's cold up there 

Ethel. Take my coat. Here. 

{Picks up coat from chair,) 
59 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 

Jack. And I'm hungry as the deuce. 
Ethel. I'll save some crackers for you. 
Jack. Humph ! 

Ethel. Of course, if you prefer to face the police 

Jack. Gimme the coat. 

Ethel. And I'll run out and see that the coast is clear. 

If it is, I'll go on into the drawmg-room. They're 

waiting for me. 

{Exiff R. Jack takes the coat.) 

Jack. Talk about bad luck for being born on the 13th — 
hanged if 1 don't believe the thing's catching 1 

(^Enler Morris, c.) 

Morris. Hist! (Jack Jumps and bolts, v..) Hold on ! 

Jack. It's no use. Hullo, it's you, is it? 

Morris. Yes. Do you know, I've been clear out to Mary 

Jones', and the whole family have gone to California. 
Jack. Some people are lucky, aren't they? 
Morris. They've been gone a month. Funny Ethel didn't 

know, isn't it? 
Jack. Very. Look here, Morris, when you came in just 

now did you notice anybody scouting round the garden ? 
Morris. Scouting round the garden? 
Jack. Yes, hanging round — lurking — if you prefer it ? 

Morris. I saw a couple of guests down near the gate 

Jack. Guests ! 

Morris. But I'm quite sure they didn't see me. 

Jack. No, or they'd have nabbed you. 

Morris. Nabbed me? What for? 

Jack. Well, the police have to nab somebody, don't they ? 

(^Lays coat on chair.) 

Morris. The police? {In horror.) Great Scott ! Mar- 
jorie ! She threatened to forge a wedding certificate. 
And now she's done it ! 

Jack. You bet she's done it, and they're after me. 

Morris. I warned her 

Jack. Lots of good warning a v/oman ! I've got to get 
away from here before those chaps get on to me. 

Morris. But I don't understand 

60 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Jack. Oh, you wouldn't understand if I talked all night. 

What I want you to do is to get out and see if those 

chaps are still there, 

Morris. But Marjorie 

Jack. Never mind Marjorie ; she can take care of herself. 

I'm the one that needs help. 

Morris. But 

Jack. Now you go out there and nose around and see if 

those cops are still at the other end of the garden, and 

if they are, you come back and tell me and I'll make a 

get-away. Otherwise, it's me to the roof. 
Morris. But suppose they see me nosing around ? 
Jack. They'll probably nab you, but what do you care? 

The family'll stand by you all right. Now, I 

Morris. But I don't want the family to stand by me. I 

don't want them to know that I'm here until dinner 

time. 
Jack. Of course, if you think more of your dinner than 

you do of helping a fellow creature in distress 

Morris. No, no, I 

Jack. I always did think the clergy were a gilded sham ; 

now I know it. 
Morris. But, my dear fellow, this is dreadful. I_I_of 

course I'll go — but Marjorie 

Jack. Come back and tell me the coast's clear and I'll 

come. 
Morris. Oh, dear, what can she have done ? 
Jack. Done ? She's done me, if you must know. Hurry, 

don't let 'em see you. (Exit Morris, c. Jack comes 

down.) Gosh, two of 'em. That was a close shave ! 

Now, if he {Listens.) Somebody's coming. 

{Runs, c; turns back; picks tip coat.) It's me to 

the roof all right. 

{Exit, r.) 

{Enter Biggs, l.) 

Biggs. There's nobody thinks of lockin' hup and turnin* 
down lights but me, of course. I 'ave to do all the 
'eadwork that's done in this 'ouse. {Turns down 
light ; goes to door, c. ; stops.) That is a shadow hout 
there, and w'ere there's a shadow there's a man. Hi 
see you snoopin' round hout there, my good chap; hi 
see you. {Crouches l. of door ^ c.) 
6i 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Morris {appearing at c). Hist ! 

liiGGS. 'E's got a confederate hinside. I fire that 'ouse- 
niaid to-morrow. 

(^Enter Morris, c.) 

Morris. The coast's all clear. 

Biggs {pouncing on him). Oh, his it ? 

{They struggled) 

Morris. What do you mean by this ? Here I'm trying to 

help you 

Biggs. 'Elp yourself, you mean. Police ! 
Morris. You will, will you? 

{He gets Biggs down and pounds hiin.^ 

Biggs. Murder ! Police ! Miss Plum ! 'Elp ! 

{Enter Max. and Ethel, r.) 

Ethel. It's Biggs ! 

Biggs. 'E's murderin' me fer the silver, Miss ! 

(Max. separates thejn, holding Morris.) 

Morris. Here, let me go, you fool ! You're choking me 1 

{Enter Goldie, l.) 

Biggs {gettiftg to his feet and turning up the lights). Don't 

listen to 'im, sir. 

Goldie. Me and Dick was out by the gate and 

Morris. Max ! 

Max. Great Scott, it's Ben Morris ! 

All. Ben Morris ! 

Morris {dusting himself off). Yes. Mary Jones wasn't 

at home, so 

Max. Mary Jones ? 

Ethel, Yes, I sent him out there so that we could give 

you a surprise by having him drop in to dinner. 
Max. My dear old fellow, to think that I've been trying 

to 

Morris {wringing his hand). Choke me ? 
Goldie. Why, he can marry us, can't he? 
Max. {angrily). Yes, he can. 
Morris. Why, of course I can. 

62 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Biggs. I was just about to hannounce before the late hun- 
pleasantness occurred that dinner was served. 

(^Exitf R., with much dignity.) 

Max. Ben, you must join us. Come along. 
Morris (^glancing anxiously at Ethel). But 



GoLDiE {taking his arm'). Mr. Morris, I'm so glad you've 
come. I've always thought the Episcopal service was 
perfectly stunning. 

{She carries him off l. Max. starts to follozv, but Ethel 
stops him.) 

Ethel. Max, he's escaped — Mr. Miller — I saw him go. 

Max. Hang Mr. Miller ! He can go to the 

Ethel. Brother, your language is becoming absolutely 
impossible ! 

{She exits L., followed by Max.) 
{Enter Biggs, r., ushering in Dick, 7vho carries a package.) 

Biggs. Sit down 'ere, please. They've just gone hinto the 
dining-room. 

Dick. Don't disturb them. I'll 

Biggs {haughtily). Hi shan't disturb them. Hi'll just men- 
tion that you're 'ere. 

{Exity L. Dick sits down l. and begitis to fidget. He 
opens the package y which contai?is a gravy ladle ; ties 
it up again.) 

{Enter Marjorie, r., wrapped in a long coat^ with an auto 
bonnet on, evidently prepared for flight.) 

Marjorie. Oh, I thought every one was at dinner ! 
Dick {jumping up). They are. I — I — you're his Cousin 

Marjorie, aren't you? 
Marjorie. Yes. I don't think I have the pleasure of your 

acquaintance. 
Dick. No, you haven't. I — I'm just a friend of the bride's. 
Marjorie (doiun r,, disgustedly). Oh ! 
Dick. 1 just dropped in to — to bring her a little wedding 

gift, but I — I'd just as soon wait in the drawing-room 

if I'm in your way. 
Marjorie. Not at all ; I'm leaving here immediately. 

63 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Dick. Leaving? But you've just come, haven't you ? 
Marjorie. I've been here quite long enough — quite ! Do 

you know when the next train leaves for town ? 
Dick (rising). I've got a time-table in ray overcoat pocket 

— get it for you in a second. You can get into town 

by eight o'clock. 

{Exif, R.) 

(Biggs enters l. and follows Dick out R., evidently sus- 
picious. ) 

Marjorie. Eight o* clock ! They'll be married by that 
time, and here I am, helpless and with a husband on 
my hands ! Oh, why didn't 1 listen to Ben ! {She sits 
by the table and leans her face on her handS) 1 hope 
she'll make him miserable. But what's the good of 
that when I won't be here to see her do it ? 

(^Futs her head on the table a?id bursts into tears. Enter 
Max., l. He stops in amazement ^ then comes toward 
her. She Jumps up lohen she hears him ; tries to hide 
the fact that she has been crying.^ 

Max. {coming down c). Biggs said that Dick was here. 

Why, Marjorie, you've been crying ! 
Marjorie {jumping to her feet). 1 have not. What have 

1 to cry about ? 
Max. a good deal, I should think, with that husband of 

yours. Oh, Marjorie, how could you do it ? 
Marjorie. That's a fine thing for you to say ! 
Max. What have I got to do with it ? 
Marjorie. Oh, nothing, of course. Not a thing in the 

world. 

Max. I 

Marjorie. You quarrel with me over a silly flirtation at a 

dance, and drive me away from the only home I have, 

and then ask me why 

Max. I didn't quarrel with you. I only told you that you 

had no right to encourage that chap 

Marjorie. I didn't encourage him. He didn't have to 

be encouraged. 
Max. When you were engaged to me. Then you flew off 

the handle and insulted me. 

64 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Marjorie. I didn't insult you. I only said that for a man 

who had such advanced ideas on paper, you were 

mighty fussy about your own family. 
Max. Art is one thing, the woman one is going to marry 

is another. 
Marjorie. Well, I'm not the woman you're going to 

marry, so don't rake up bygones. The girl you're 

going to marry 

Max. Oh, drop the girl I'm going to marry ! 

Marjorie. But 

Max. I'm tired of having her thrown at me fifty times a 

minute by everybody in this house from Aunt Laura to 

Biggs. 1 declare I'll bolt and cut the whole business. 
Marjorie. And the money ? 
Max. I don't care a hang about the money; what I want 

is peace of mind, and 

Marjorie. Yes 

Max. And to see you out of the clutches of that lunatic. 

He 

Marjorie. Max, do you mean to say that if Mr. Miller 

Max. Marjorie, don't. The laws of England 

Marjorie. Max, if I were to tell you that there wasn't any 

Mr. Miller — that 1 — I just made him up — because of 

you and — and that girl 

Max. Marjorie ! 

Marjorie. Yes, wasn't it awful of me ? 

Max. But he said 

Marjorie. He'd say anything. He did it to spite me. 
Max. Marjorie ! 

(^He takes her in his arms and kisses her.) 

(^Enter Goldie, l., napkin in hand, having Just left the 
table ; and Dick, r., with the time-table,') 

Goldie (comifig down l.). Well, I must say that for a 
man who's engaged to be married to another lady 

Dick {up r.). Whew ! 

Max. Miss McGrath — I 

Marjorie. He 

Goldie. Oh, don't trouble yourselves to explain. I 
wouldn't have him now if he was to go down on his 
knees and beg me ! 

Marjorie. Then 

6s 



LErS ALL GET 3TAEBIED 



GoLDiE. But there is such things as breach of promise suits, 
and believe me 

{Enter BiGGS, r., dragging Jack, still in Ethel's coat.) 

Biggs (Jriumphatitly). Hi've got 'im this time, sir; 

Hi've 

Max. Got whom ? 

{Enter Ethel, l. Jack makes a dive to get away,') 

Biggs. 'Ere, you be'ave yourself, now. 
Jack. I'm not trying to get away. You needn't stick your 
whole hand down my throat. 

{Enter Miss P., Morris and Tayne, l., all carrying nap- 
kins ^ and Miss P. clutching Morris.) 

Biggs. 'E was getting hout of the trap door onto the roof 
when I seen him, with Miss Ethel's new coat on and 
who knows what in 'is pockets, the brute ! 

(Biggs and Jack up c. Ethel and Dick /// r. Miss P., 
Payne, Morris, l. Max afid Marjorie down r. 
Goldie down l.) 

Miss P. What could Mr. Miller be doing on the roof? 
Biggs. Settin' fire to the 'ouse, most likely. 'E ain't no 

Mr. Miller ; 'e's Slick Joe the Parson. 
Miss P. Oh, Ben ! 
Goldie. He's nuts, that's what he is. 
Morris. No, no, no ; this is Ethel's friend, Mr. Foster. 
Max. Foster ? 
Ethel. Yes, please, Marjorie, tell them that he's not — 

that there's not any Mr. Miller — that he's Jack Foster, 

and I'm engaged to him. 
Goldie. You said you was Mr. Miller ; I heard you. 

Marjorie. That was my fault ; I 

Jack {handing his card to Max., who reads it and tosses it 

aside angrily). Sorry, Professor, to have made such a 

row. 

Biggs. Hi don't like his looks, sir; Hi 

Ethel. But I do. Biggs, awfully. Now, do go back to the 

dining-room. 

{Exit Biggs, l., shaking his head.) 
66 



LETS ALL GET MARRIED 



Miss P. Mercy, yes; what will our guests think? Ben. 

Marjone, come at once ! 
Marjorie {meek/y). Yes, auntie. 

{She andUoRmsfoiloiv Miss P. ouf l. Jack and Ethel up 
stage talking.) 

GoLDiE. As for you, Professor Carrington, you'll hear from 

my lawyer in the morning. 

Payne (c). My dear girl 

GoLDiE Do you think I'm going to sit around and let a 

fellow that's engaged to me make love to another woman 

under my very eyes ? 
Max. Now, if you'll only talk this over calmly 

(Enter Biggs, l.) 

Biggs (to Max.). If I might suggest, sir— the dinner will 
be cold, sir ! 

(Exit, R.) 

Dick (r.). I say, Miss Goldie, you don't want to sue any- 
body for breach of promise. Think of the newspapers. 

Goldie. Mr. Havens, if you will kindly mind your own 
affairs, my lawyer's advice is enough for me. 

Dick (coining down l. to her). That's what I've been try- 
ing to do all day. I was trying to ask you to marry 
nie when we were down by the gate this afternoon, and 
then that chap called you and you ran off. 

Goldie (indignantly). Well, my goodness, Dicky Havens, 
why couldn't you say so ? 1 ain't a mind reader ! 

Payne. Ah, but I am, and I've been telling you all evening 
that you ought to marry some nice young man your own 
age, and 

Dick. Will you, Goldie ? 

Goldie. Well, I— I don't know— Dicky, maybe 

Payne. Good girl. And when you're married I shall ex- 
pect you to give me another lesson. 

Goldie (laughing). Ain't you the old cut up! Come, 
let's tell them. ' 

(She and Dick and Payne go out l. laughing. Jack and 
Ethel come down c.) 

(Enter Biggs, r.) 
67 



LETS ALL GET MABEIED 



Biggs. The police is 'ere, sir ! 

Max. Tell them to get out. We don't need them. 

Biggs. Yes, sir, I 'ave, sir. They caught Slick Joe this 

morning, sir, and he's gone back to the pen, sir. 
Max. Good. {To Jack.) Well, you came near going 

there. 

{Exit Biggs, r.) 

Ethel. Brother, he wants to apologize. And, please— 
we're engaged. 

Max. V/hat ! Well, he'd better apologize. 

Jack. The press never apologizes, but 1 tell you what I'll 
do. I'll write another article on the wonderful origi- 
nality of Professor Carrington in daring to break away 
from the hackneyed and conventional use of *' Should " 
and '* Would." 

Ethkl. Bully. 

Max. Well, that's not such a bad idea. 

(Shakes hands with Jack.) 

{E?tter Marjorie, l.) 

Jack. Somebody'd better 'phone down to that chap at the 
license bureau that the wedding's off. 

Mahjorie (coming dowii). But it's not off, Mr. Foster 

Jack. Oh ! Come on, Ethel. 

(He ivinks at Ethel, and they run out R.) 

Max. Maijorie, you — you really mean it ? 

Marjorie. Well, what did you think I came back for, if 

not for a wedding ? 
Max. It looks as though you had come back for three ! 
Marjorie. Well, Friday always was my lucky day. 

(They embrace.) 



CURTAIN 



68 



Unusually Good Eetertaiiimeots 

R«ad One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

GRADUATION DAY AT WOOD lOLL SCHOOL. 
An Entertainment in Two Acts, by Ward Macauley. For six 
males and four females, with several minor parts. Time of 
playing, two hours. Modern costumes. Simple interior scenes; 
may be presented in a hall without scenery. The unusual com- 
'bination of a real "entertainment," including music, recitations,, 
etc., with an interesting love story. The graduation exercises 
include short speeches, recitations, songs, funny interruptions, 
and a comical speech by a country school trustee. Price, 15 
cents. 

EXAMINATION DAY AT WOOD HILL SCHOOL. 
An Entertainment in One Act, by Ward Macauley. Eight male 
and six female characters, with minor parts. Plays one hour. 
Scene, an easy interior, or may be given without scenery. Cos- 
tumes, modern. Miss Marks, the teacher, refuses to marry a 
trustee, who threatens to discharge her. The examination in- 
cludes recitations and songs, and brings out many funny answers 
to questions. At the close Robert Coleman, an old lover, claims 
the teacher. Very easy and very effective. Price, 15 cents. 

BACK TO THE COUNTKY STORE. A Rural Enter- 
tainment in Three Acts, by Ward Macauley. For four male 
and five female characters, with some supers. Time, two hours. 
Two scenes, both easy interiors. Can be played effectively with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. All the principal parts are 
sure hits. Quigley Higginbotham, known as "Quig," a clerk in 
a country store, aspires to be a great author or singer and 
decides to try his fortunes in New York. The last scene is in 
Quig's home. He returns a failure but is offered a partnership 
in the country store. He pops the question in the midst of a 
surprise party given in his honor. Easy to do and very funny. 
Price, 15 cents. 

THE DISTRICT CONVENTION. A Farcical Sketch 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For eleven males and one 
female, or twelve males. Any number of other parts or super- 
numeraries may be added. Plays forty-five minutes. No special 
scenery is required, and the costumes and properties are all 
easy. The play shows an uproarious political nominating con- 
vention. The climax comes when a woman's rights cham- 
pion, captures the convention. There is a great chance to bur- 
lesque modern politics and to work in local gags. Every 
part will make a hit. Price, 15 cents. 

Bl SLOCUM'S COUNTRY STORE. An Entertainment 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eleven male and five female 
characters with supernumeraries. Several parts may be doubled. 
Plays one hour. Interior scene, or may be played without set 
scenery. Costumes, modern. The rehearsal for an entertain- 
ment in the village church gives plenty of opportunity for 
specialty work. A very jolly entertainment of the sort adapted 
to almost any place or occasion. Price, 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBUSHIMG COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

A SimPRISE PARTY AT BRINKXEY'S. An En- 
tertainment in One Scene, by Ward Macauley. Seven male and 
seven female characters. Interior scene, or may be given with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. Time, one hour. By the 
author of the popular successes, "Graduation Day at Wood Hill 
School," "Back to the Country Store," etc. The villagers have 
planned a birthday surprise party for Mary^ Brinkley, recently 
graduated from college. They all join in jolly games, songs, 
conundrums, etc., and Mary becomes engaged, which surprises 
the surprisers. The entertainment is a sure success. Price, 15 cents, 

JONES VS. JINKS. A Mock Trial in One Act, by 
Edward Mumford. Fifteen male and six female characters, with 
supernumeraries if desired. May be played all male. Many of the 
parts (members of the jury, etc.) are small. Scene, a simple 
interior ; may be played without scenery. Costumes, modern. 
Time of playing, one hour. This mock trial has many novel 
features, unusual characters and quick action. Nearly every 
character has a funny entrance and laughable lines. There are 
many rich parts, and fast fun throughout. Price, 15 cents. 

THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR. A Comedy Sketch in One 
A,ct, by Ernest M. Gould. For seven males, two females, or 
may be all male. Parts may be doubled, with quick changes, so 
that four persons may play the sketch. Time, forty-five minutes. 
Simple street scene. Costumes, modern. The superintendent 
of a sight-seeing automobile engages two men to run the 
machine. A Jew, a farmer, a fat lady and other humorous 
characters give them all kinds of trouble. This is a regular gat- 
ling-gun stream of rollicking repartee. Price, 15 cents. 

THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH. An Original 
Mock Trial in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eighteen males 
and two females, or may be all male. Plays about one hour. 
Scene, a county courtroom ; requires no scenery ; may be played 
in an ordinary hall. Costumes, modern. This entertainment is 
nearly perfect of its kind, and a sure success. It can be easily 
produced in any place or on any occasion, and provides almost 
any number of good parts. Price, 15 cents. 

THE OLD MAIDS' ASSOCIATION. A Farcical Enter-^ 
tainment in One Act, by Louise Latham Wilson. For thirteen 
females and one male. The male part may be played by a 
female, and the number of characters increased to twenty or 
more. Time, forty minutes. The play requires neither scenery 
nor properties, and very little in the way of costumes. Can 
easily be prepared in one or two rehearsals. Price, 25 cents. 

BARGAIN DAY AT BI.OOMSTEIN'3. A Farcical 
Entertainment in One Act, by Edward Mumford. For five males 
and ten females, with supers. Interior scene. Costumes, mod- 
ern. Time, thirty minutes. The characters and the situations 
which arise from their endeavors to buy and sell make rapid-fire 
fun from start to finish. Price, 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Successful Plays for All Girls 

In Selecting Your Next Play Do Not Overlook This List 

YOUNG DOCTOR DEVINE. A Farce in Two Acts, 
by Mrs. E. J. H. Goodfellow. One of the most popular 
plays for girls. For nine female characters. Time in 
playing, thirty minutes. Scenery, ordinary interior. Mod- 
ern costumes. Girls in a boarding-school, learning that a 
young doctor is coming to vaccinate all the pupils, eagerly con- 
sult each other as to the manner of fascinating the physician. 
When the doctor appears upon the scene the pupils discover that 
the physician is a female practitioner. Price, 15 cents. 

SISTER MASONS. A Burlesque in One Act, by Frank 
DuMONT. For eleven females. Time, thirty minutes. Costumes, 
fantastic gowns, or dominoes. Scene, interior. A grand expose 
of Masonry. Some women profess to learn the secrets of a 
Masonic lodge by hearing their husbands talk in their sleep, 
and they institute a similar organization. Price, 15 cents. 

A COMMANDING POSITION. A Farcical Enter- 
tainment, by Amelia San ford. For seven female char- 
acters and ten or more other ladies and children. Time, one 
hour. Costumes, modern. Scenes, easy interiors and one street 
scene. Marian Young gets tired living with her aunt, Miss 
Skinflint. She decides to "attain a commanding position." 
Marian tries hospital nursing, college settlement work and 
school teaching, but decides to go back to housework. Price, 15 
cents. • 

HOW A WOMAN KEEPS A SECRET. A Comedy 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For ten female characters. 
Time, half an hour. Scene, an easy interior. Costumes, modern. 
Mabel Sweetly has just become engaged to Harold, but it's "the 
deepest kind of a secret." Before announcing it they must win 
the approval of Harold's uncle, now in Europe, or lose a possible 
ten thousand a year. At a tea Mabel meets her dearest friend. 
Maude sees Mabel has a secret, she coaxes and Mabel tells her. 
But Maude lets out the secret in a few minutes to another 
friend and so the secret travels. Price, 15 cents. 

THE OXFORD AFFAIR. A Comedy in Three Acts, 
by Josephine H. Cobb and Jennie E. Paine. For eight female 
characters. Plays one hour and three-quarters. Scenes, inter- 
iors at a seaside hotel. Costumes, modern. The action of the 
play is located at a summer resort. Alice Graham, in order to 
chaperon herself, poses as a widow, and Miss Oxford first claims 
her as a sister-in-law, then denounces her. The onerous duties 
of Miss Oxford, who attempts to serve as chaperon to Miss 
Howe and Miss Ashton in the face of many obstacles, furnish 
an evening of rare enjoyment. Price 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBUSHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



11111™.^,?!.°'' CONGRESS 

The Power of EApVi^2,V2:. * 



Expression and efficiency go hand in hand. 

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A catalogue giving full information as to how any of these 
accomplishments may be attained will be sent free on request. 

THE NATIONAL SCHOOL OF 
ELOCUTION AND ORATORY 

PM-kiray Building Philadelphia 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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016 102 273 1 I 



